I don't read parenting books. I tried to during my first pregnancy but it just seemed like an invention to make moms feel like crap. "If your baby cries, you suck! Breast feeding is a joy right from the first second!" Etcetera, all lies. So I got lazy and never picked up another book
Armed with only unsolicited advice and an ear to the ground, I have managed to successfully potty train my two-and-a-half year old. Yay me! And since I have done it exactly one time, that makes me an expert. I will write a how-to and make millions*.
First, you will need an evil genius toddler. If your kid is laid back, chill, loves peace and eating glue, this is not the guide for you. If you yourself are a real go-getter, this is not the guide for you. This is a guide for work-averse mothers with toddlers who will play mind games over jelly beans and can make a pot of coffee - the type of 30-month-old who wants to negotiate a contract before she agrees not to sit on her sister's head.
To get started you will need to remove the toddler's clothes. Nekked. Do not make the mistake of putting her in undies right off the bat because a) it creates laundry and you are lazy b) newly training tots do not have the luxury of that extra two seconds it takes to pull them down and c) it wastes money because if you are like me, you'll just throw out dirty drawers instead of washing them anyway. You are lazy.
Set aside two days of staying home (doing nothing! a lazy lady's dream!) and allow your evil genius to run amok in exactly one room. What? One room for two days cleaning pee? I didn't say it was fun, I said it was easy. Wouldn't you rather check up on celebrity gossip from your lap top than chase pee drops all over the house? YES. Stay in one room to potty train.
Have rewards at the ready for success. A note of warning: Do not offer full sugar lollipops in the hopes that such a rare treat will entice your evil genius to make on the pot. It will backfire when two days in, the child is going six or eight times a day and demanding a pop each time. The only thing worse than a drunk is an awake drunk and the only thing worse than an evil genius toddler is an evil genius toddler buzzed up on corn syrup.
Just offer a single M&M or jelly bean for successes and remember, Dora stickers have zero stimulants. Or even better, just offer the kid a victory lap around the whole house while lazy you sits and watches. She'll be ready for naptime much sooner and you'll be all caught up on Weinergate. Two birds, one stone!
A few words of caution . . .
1. An evil genius toddler will work you. Out and about, she will yell POTTY just to see you fly off and leave her baby sister to the devices of child snatchers. She will laugh maniacally and produce nary a plop from the throne of germs in a Target restroom.
2. At home, your newly-minted pot tot will leverage her bowels to get out of time-out sentences, producing exactly three drops of urine in order to control you into a visibly forced pee-pee victory dance running contrary to your real emotions which are still hot fresh with "stop killing your sister, damn you" vibes. She will plead innocent and demand a jelly bean. You must give it to her because she did kind of catch you in a loop hole. The shit.
3. Pull-ups are just diapers without side tapes. Ditch them. Your kid is a sharp little tack and she will figure out that pull-ups absorb, therefore there is no reason to go to the trouble of peeing in permissable devices. To hell with pull-ups! The next time my kid is in a diaper it will be when she's in a nursing home and I am nothing but dust in the ground. Who's laughing then, BABY??? (Ps - still her, this method creates laundry.)
4. Do take pictures. One day when she looks like 2001 Britney Spears and she has a car because your husband is a marionette puppet with money, you will need these pictures as black mail to keep her from dominating the universe. REMEMBER THE TIME YOU POOPED IN THE LIVING ROOM? you will say in front of her prom dates. They will bring her home at 11:00.
Or you can just leave her in diapers. I mean, Suri Cruise is still sucking blood out of a binkie, why should you have to do anything?
*Mildly entertain the three people who actually read this blog
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Potty training makes her very sleeeeepy.
Don't make the royals jealous with that hat, Bee.