The Lazy Lady's Guide To Potty Training An Evil Genius

I don't read parenting books. I tried to during my first pregnancy but it just seemed like an invention to make moms feel like crap. "If your baby cries, you suck! Breast feeding is a joy right from the first second!" Etcetera, all lies. So I got lazy and never picked up another book

Armed with only unsolicited advice and an ear to the ground, I have managed to successfully potty train my two-and-a-half year old. Yay me! And since I have done it exactly one time, that makes me an expert. I will write a how-to and make millions*.

First, you will need an evil genius toddler. If your kid is laid back, chill, loves peace and eating glue, this is not the guide for you. If you yourself are a real go-getter, this is not the guide for you. This is a guide for work-averse mothers with toddlers who will play mind games over jelly beans and can make a pot of coffee - the type of 30-month-old who wants to negotiate a contract before she agrees not to sit on her sister's head.

To get started you will need to remove the toddler's clothes. Nekked. Do not make the mistake of putting her in undies right off the bat because a) it creates laundry and you are lazy b) newly training tots do not have the luxury of that extra two seconds it takes to pull them down and c) it wastes money because if you are like me, you'll just throw out dirty drawers instead of washing them anyway. You are lazy.

Set aside two days of staying home (doing nothing! a lazy lady's dream!) and allow your evil genius to run amok in exactly one room. What? One room for two days cleaning pee? I didn't say it was fun, I said it was easy. Wouldn't you rather check up on celebrity gossip from your lap top than chase pee drops all over the house? YES. Stay in one room to potty train.

Have rewards at the ready for success. A note of warning: Do not offer full sugar lollipops in the hopes that such a rare treat will entice your evil genius to make on the pot. It will backfire when two days in, the child is going six or eight times a day and demanding a pop each time. The only thing worse than a drunk is an awake drunk and the only thing worse than an evil genius toddler is an evil genius toddler buzzed up on corn syrup.

Just offer a single M&M or jelly bean for successes and remember, Dora stickers have zero stimulants. Or even better, just offer the kid a victory lap around the whole house while lazy you sits and watches. She'll be ready for naptime much sooner and you'll be all caught up on Weinergate. Two birds, one stone!

A few words of caution . . .

 

1. An evil genius toddler will work you. Out and about, she will yell POTTY just to see you fly off and leave her baby sister to the devices of child snatchers. She will laugh maniacally and produce nary a plop from the throne of germs in a Target restroom.

2. At home, your newly-minted pot tot will leverage her bowels to get out of time-out sentences, producing exactly three drops of urine in order to control you into a visibly forced pee-pee victory dance running contrary to your real emotions which are still hot fresh with "stop killing your sister, damn you" vibes. She will plead innocent and demand a jelly bean. You must give it to her because she did kind of catch you in a loop hole. The shit.

3. Pull-ups are just diapers without side tapes. Ditch them. Your kid is a sharp little tack and she will figure out that pull-ups absorb, therefore there is no reason to go to the trouble of peeing in permissable devices. To hell with pull-ups! The next time my kid is in a diaper it will be when she's in a nursing home and I am nothing but dust in the ground. Who's laughing then, BABY??? (Ps - still her, this method creates laundry.)

4. Do take pictures. One day when she looks like 2001 Britney Spears and she has a car because your husband is a marionette puppet with money, you will need these pictures as black mail to keep her from dominating the universe. REMEMBER THE TIME YOU POOPED IN THE LIVING ROOM? you will say in front of her prom dates. They will bring her home at 11:00.

Or you can just leave her in diapers. I mean, Suri Cruise is still sucking blood out of a binkie, why should you have to do anything?

*Mildly entertain the three people who actually read this blog

---

If you liked this, press "like" and join me on Facebook!

Photobucket
Potty training makes her very sleeeeepy.

Photobucket
Don't make the royals jealous with that hat, Bee.

 

 

 

 

Advertisement:

Filed under: How-To, Sage what!

Comments

Leave a comment
  • So cool!!! I'm going to give this a go on July 4th weekend. I've got 3 days of no work to focus on, and it SHOULD be warm, so naked potty training we're gonna do.

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Yay Kira! Go go go! It's so weird. Potty training sucks and seem to go no where then all of a sudden, it just clicks and they never mess up again. (Or rarely, as I've heard - we're a good 48 hours and no accidents including nights!)

    Ah rats. I just jinxed myself into 3:00am laundry, didn't I? *SIGH*

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    I laughed 'til I cried. I needed this! I'm going to save it and read it again when my littlest monster is training. "The shit." HA!

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    You have met my child haven't you? I am going to have to try this... hehehehe

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Hysterical! I really enjoyed laughing as I read and remembered my sure fire way to train a kid was very similar.

    I'm also a fellow lazy ass who trained my two clowns the exact same way about fourteen years ago (w/out the promise of internet gossip and facebook friends)~butt naked in two rooms (both stationed with a porta-potty at the ready)...the older was a done deal by 18 months, the younger boy took about six months longer. It works.

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    I know I need to do this, but Layla is good with the mind games. I think I'm going to give it a go on the long weekend too. Whenever she is naked she is so full of anxiety over accidents she freaks out until we put her diaper back on. But she'll learn to love naked (plus I thought toddlers were supposed to love being naked?)

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    The m&m thing worked for my 2 year old 20 years ago. I had a dispenser that stayed in the bathroom, out of her reach. She got one for #1, and two for #2. If she cheated on either one, I got the m&m instead. She learned to hold it so she could earn her reward.

  • In reply to wikkidkat:

    I ended up eating a whole bag of Dum Dums using this exact method.

  • In reply to wikkidkat:

    Love it, potty training genius! Hooray, Bee!

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Happy everyday!!!
    Hi,Cheap wholesale Nike air Jordan shoes, Nike dunks SB shoe,Nike Shox shoe. Nike shoes with discount jersey, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies, ED hardy JeansGUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Happy everyday!!!
    Hi,Cheap wholesale Nike air Jordan shoes, Nike dunks SB shoe,Nike Shox shoe. Nike shoes with discount jersey, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies, ED hardy JeansGUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Happy everyday!!!
    Hi,Cheap wholesale Nike air Jordan shoes, Nike dunks SB shoe,Nike Shox shoe. Nike shoes with discount jersey, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies, ED hardy JeansGUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    welcome to h ttp://w ww.voguebloom.c om Accept Credit card and paypal!
    _________________________$$$$$$$__________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_______
    _________________________$$$$$$$$$$$______
    __________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_____
    _____________________________$$$$$$$$$____
    ___________________________$$$$$$$$$$_____
    ht tp://w ww.voguebloom.c om $$$$$$$$$$$$$____
    ________________$$$______$$$$$$$$$$$$$$___
    ______________$$$$$$$$_____$$$$$$__$$$$$__
    _____________$$$$$$$$$$_____$$$$____$$$$$_
    ___________$$$$$$_$$$$$$$$__$$$$______$$$$
    __________$$$$$_____$$$$$$$$_$$$$_______$$$
    ___ _____$$$$$_________$$$$$$$$$$$$_______$$$
    _______ $$$_____________$$$$$$$$$$$________$$$
    _____$$$__ ______________$$$$$$$$$$________$$$$$$

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    Happy everyday!!!
    Hi,Cheap wholesale Nike air Jordan shoes, Nike dunks SB shoe,Nike Shox shoe. Nike shoes with discount jersey, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies, ED hardy JeansGUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    welcome to ht tp://ww w.voguebloom.c om Accept Credit card and paypal!
    _________________________$$$$$$$__________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_______
    _________________________$$$$$$$$$$$______
    __________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_____
    _____________________________$$$$$$$$$____
    ___________________________$$$$$$$$$$_____
    htt p://ww w.voguebloom.c om $$$$$$$$$$$$$____.
    ________________$$$______$$$$$$$$$$$$$$___
    ______________$$$$$$$$_____$$$$$$__$$$$$__
    _____________$$$$$$$$$$_____$$$$____$$$$$_
    ___________$$$$$$_$$$$$$$$__$$$$______$$$$
    __________$$$$$_____$$$$$$$$_$$$$_______$$$
    ___ _____$$$$$_________$$$$$$$$$$$$_______$$$
    _______ $$$_____________$$$$$$$$$$$________$$$
    _____$$$__ ______________$$$$$$$$$$________$$$$$$

    Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/white-sox-soxic-relationship/2011/06/will-white-sox-ever-beat-the-twins.html#ixzz1PVq65oNk

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    welcome to ht tp://ww w.voguebloom.c om Accept Credit card and paypal!
    _________________________$$$$$$$__________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$________
    ________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_______
    _________________________$$$$$$$$$$$______
    __________________________$$$$$$$$$$$_____
    _____________________________$$$$$$$$$____
    ___________________________$$$$$$$$$$_____
    htt p://ww w.voguebloom.c om $$$$$$$$$$$$$____.
    ________________$$$______$$$$$$$$$$$$$$___
    ______________$$$$$$$$_____$$$$$$__$$$$$__
    _____________$$$$$$$$$$_____$$$$____$$$$$_
    ___________$$$$$$_$$$$$$$$__$$$$______$$$$
    __________$$$$$_____$$$$$$$$_$$$$_______$$$
    ___ _____$$$$$_________$$$$$$$$$$$$_______$$$
    _______ $$$_____________$$$$$$$$$$$________$$$
    _____$$$__ ______________$$$$$$$$$$________$$$$$$,,

  • In reply to mpurkis:

    "...husband is a marionette puppet with money..."

    My girl sees me more as a sock puppet with change.

    Congrats on the potty training thing.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Sounds like my boobs! Just kidding. My boobs are amazing.

  • In reply to gwill:

    My kids are grown, but your article gave me some serious flashbacks! Number 1 son is probably still traumatized by the potty training experience, but I learned a lot. When it was time to potty train Number 2 son, I took my time and tuned out the snide remarks of, "Why isn't he trained?, He should be trained already!" By the time my daughter came around, I had perfected the "mind your own business" glare!

  • In reply to gwill:

    I have some hope for potty training my son now--he is so stubborn and resistant to many things, so I have been dreading it. I have read about this method before and was interested to see how it worked for someone.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Didn't really need another hilarious blog to get addicted to, thanks MWDAS for another reason to avoid homework.

    I 'trained' my oldest out at my family's farm. Ran buck wild all over 1500 acres (well, more like 500 yards, but you get the idea) for two days straight. No clean up necessary, except for the hose. Great blog, seriously readable.

  • In reply to gwill:

    I love this! Mikey may be evil but probably not a genius and I am the laziest mom ever so this might work:) But 2 days @ home may be the death of me *sigh* but one less poop to change just might be worth it:) AHHHHHH!

  • In reply to gwill:

    Aweschum! The lovely Nikki Knepper of MWDAS sent me. I heart you already!
    You know, I tried this nekkid potty training on my now 4.5 year old son, and he wanted nothing to do with it. He's always been kind of a douchebag though (he is his sperm-donor's son, after all). It took until he was 3.5 to have him fully daytime potty trained, and he's still peeing at night most nights. (little jerk)
    You have my attention. I am going to stalk you now. Not in a creepy way though. :)

  • Wow, coming from you?!?! SWOON.

  • fb_avatar

    I LOVE this post. :) Except at my house?!? The evil genius was the EASY one to potty train...and her totally laid back go with the flow little brother was 3 1/2! Hopefully #3 will be easy. He will, right? RIGHT?!?

  • fb_avatar

    ohhh my..thank you! i attempted to start potty training today and just...so much running around and changing clothes..back and forth, back and forth.........ahhh! yes, we must try this asap.

Leave a comment