Okay, I know I'm late, but I finally bit. For entertainment on the ten-hour plane ride home from Italy my options were USA Today, the Sky Mall catalog or one of those vampire novels. Fine. I'll read a vampire novel. Hey, maybe I've been wrong for being such a hold-out. Maybe the icy weird skin of that Edward fellow actually is a big crush-inducer? Besides, I was curious as to what those "Team Jacob" t-shirts are about.
230 pages into New Moon and I can tell you a few things. First, Bella has some serious issues. Um, excuse me? You want to become dead for a fleeting high school boyfriend who, by the way, spent no money on your birthday? You're all "please kill me and take away my soul" and he's all "gotta run!" I know I'm 30 and wiser and naturally attracted to those with a pulse, but you aren't going to score a good man by being a doormat. I wouldn't even give up my window seat to a man who lists me as his IRA beneficiary, do you think I'm going to give up my soul to some guy whom I have to beg to drive by my house? Girl, please.
Now let's talk about Edward. How is this guy hot? I can see the razor teeth giving him an edge of danger, but yellow eyes and the effeminate quality of being scared of sunshine are just not turn-ons. Jacob I can see. He's tall and can fix things, but he's still using Bella to fund his dirt bikes! BELLA. Get some self-esteem. Seriously.
No, I didn't finish the book and I probably won't. I don't have to. I'm sure there's a series of Edward reappearces after 100's of pages of Bella being depressed that he dumped her ass for another cloudy climate (not even a note? He's not that into you) and then I'll bet there's some kind of showdown between Jacob's do-gooder gang and the not-so-bad-themselves vampire clan, but really? Why waste the saliva to turn the pages. I have a house to clean.
Good luck, Bella. I have a feeling you'll find a way to become a vampire anyway because settling for matching Vans doesn't stick it to your parents enough. I've been there. We've all been 18. I just hope you're smart enough to put your soul in a safe deposit box in case you change your mind later and don't, DON'T, get pregnant before you are 28.
Oh, and you're smoking? Do what you want, but that
will cost you a lot of money in Botox later. I'm not telling
you these things because it benefits me.
If you happen to be interested, here are the rest of my vacay pics . . .