I love toiling endlessly: Bread Series Part II

I'm busting a cap in my friend Chelsea. She's the sweetest little doll you'll ever meet, but we're involved in a bread war (our sanity vs. the temptation to succumb to pure hippidom) and at the moment she has us pegged. With one victorious stroke of her keyboard she has immobilized us. Women down.

Remember all this bread talk we've been doing? First we learn that white bread is no good. No. It must be whole wheat. Then it had to be organic. Then it had to be home made. Then we found out it is no good unless the grains are soaked. Whew, with that information my last loaf of bread came to 18 hours in the making.  But wait! There's more! NOW I HAVE TO GRIND THE GRAINS MYSELF. It turns out that wheat starts to oxidize as soon as the berry is ground into flour. This oxidation ruins the nutrients in the wheat flour, making it less and less usable by the human body. Thanks, Chelsea, for that nugget.

So the way to perfect bread is to grind the grain in a mill, then soak it overnight in acid, then do all the other seemingly numerous steps to making in the bread in the first place. Ahhhh! I have to say, I'm throwing in the towel on that one. White flag, waving high.

I agree McDonald's sugar sandwiches are crap. Smoking kills. Terrorism is bad. But dude, I can't spend my entire day making a loaf of bread. This reminds me of a scene on The Simpson's when Homer is in the depths of hell spending all eternity pushing a giant turn style that leads up through the earth's crust to a donut carousel in a diner. What does all this work yield? It's still just a loaf of bread!

I already went to Crazy Town about water back in January. My new year's resolution was to drink better water, so I found the best filter system and rigged it up to a glass pitcher as to avoid BPAs. I even have a nerdy little digital monitor to make sure no impurities get in my glass or cooking. This, from a girl who puts bleach on her scalp and lives in the dirtiest city in America.

Great water and 82-step bread is still just a high-end prison menu. I know myself though, and ten bucks says I buy a grain mill.

Damn you, Chelsea.

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Eventually I will dread my hair and stop shaving* unless I find a recipe to make my own razors.

*No I won't
UPDATE! UPDATE! There is a 3-day step you can add in front of the grain grinding called "sprouting" which guarantees ultimate superior uber-nutrition and casts lesser breads to the ranks of poison. Poison! So get to sprouting folks. (Then drying, then grinding, then soaking, then mixing, then kneading, then rising, then punching, then rising, then punching, then 3rd-rising, then baking. I'll be sitting on the porch with a cocktail and a Twinkie**.

**No I won't

Filed under: Hippies

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  • Laughing. My. A$$. Off. You're right. 82-step bread ain't worth it. I quit. Back to the bread machine I go!

    Bread: 8 Chelsea: 0

    Yours truly,
    Chelsea Bells

  • Lol, but you know if there was a handy mill around and we had the foggiest idea where to get wheat berries (I have a feeling you will answer that) we would be grinding this crap in 2 seconds.

    I think I know how the pyramids were formed: by women with obsessive personalities who happened to be focused on them!

  • Wheat berries, yes! As a matter of fact, I just ordered some that a recipe called for. I think a recipe for our trip, in fact.

    You give me a grain mill, I'll give you berries. ;)

  • PS - Ordered it from my co-op: Azure.

  • In reply to chibbz:

    NerrrD!

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    Mos def :)

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    You must eat alot of bread.

  • In reply to Bugsy1211:

    You would think so, right? I just like to cook - I'm beginning to understand where the term "bread artisan" comes from. There really is an art form to what is essentially a side item! I mean, would you spend 4 days on peas or carrots?

    Then again, wine is just a drink and there are people who devote their lives to that.

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    I'd probably be more apt to try and grow my own peas and carrots v make my own bread...but I screw up box brownies. I think the woman below sums it up though, just making it is fab, even if you didn't grow your own wheat. Hell, I give myself bonus points for not buying wonderbread.

  • In reply to Bugsy1211:

    Exactly! And even Wonderbread isn't a stick of dynamite. As long as the family eats something, right?

    :)

  • In reply to Bugsy1211:

    You do know that you can still make bread from scratch using a bread machine, right? Check out http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/category/recipes/bread/breadmachine . Her worldview is about dead opposite of yours, but her bread recipies are yummy. You can still grind your own flour (my mom does this, btw. There's an attachment you can buy for most stand mixers that will do the trick.), soak it, etc., and save yourself some of the work involved.

  • In reply to Lindsey:

    I've used my bread machine to make dough before, but I lost the little propeller piece!

  • In reply to Lindsey:

    FInally... leaving a comment. It took me like 400 years to sign up for an account so that I could do so. I feel like I haven't "chatted" with you in ages. Ok - that post was hi.lar.ious. Seriously. You are a hoot and a holler. I totally give you props for all your bread making. I just buy an organic whole wheat loaf - I thought I was doing good. ha ha! Cracking up about the other comment about doing good b/c not buying Wonderbread - so funnY!

  • In reply to Lindsey:

    Amazing how much time that takes. Imagine how clean your bathroom could be if you spent that time there instead!

  • In reply to Geekgrl29:

    Yeah, Jenn, that would be amazing! You should come out of hiding on the board some time!

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    Yeah dude! Secret board stalking continues, I see! :)

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    So I started buying flour from a local farmer... they grind it weekly and use granite stones (as opposed to metal blades, I guess). Do you think that would remove the oxidizing problem? When I think of oxidizying I think of metal, I guess this granite stone thing is a really old fashioned way of doing things... plus the bread is awesome! He also sells wheat seeds, which is wheat berries - he says to boil them for 45 minutes and make a pasta salad kind of deal (but the berries instead of pasta)

  • In reply to VelvetMinxx:

    All this bread/sprouts talk is over my head. I will say those crackers you made were tasty! Making your own bread is great but making your own crackers is original! Especially since our kiddos LOVE the "CRACK"!

  • In reply to smackaman:

    Well I would be original had I not copied them from Chelsea, lol. And it looks like all the effort doesn't do me much good considering she throws them on the ground and demands *your* crack! I'm sure supplying us with Keebler is a line item in your budget.

  • In reply to Bugsy1211:

    Hmmm... I'm pretty sure bread is not a big enough part of my diet to spend that much effort on lol! I'm pretty happy with myself if I make bread at all and I'm TOTALLY awesome if I use WW Flour!

  • In reply to ClaireB:

    Right on! Just making bread in the first place is an accomplishment!

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