Last night I was at an improv show for the first time at IO theatre in Chicago. I arrived with a couple friends from work and to my dismay, they were sitting in the front row. I get terrified of getting called-out in public and I had the feeling it was going to happen during this show.
The group's name was called Villain, and there were about 10 of them on a small stage about three feet from where I was sitting. I felt vulnerable and like I was about to be fillet-ed. And as luck would have it, as soon as they got on stage, following a particularly strong performance by their opening act called Trolley, one of the bigger guys points to me and asks, "what makes you happy?"
You would have thought he asked me what my teacher's name in 1985 was. I froze. I just could not think of the answer to this question. Sitting there in a room with over 100 people in it, I felt completely put on the spot over the simplest of questions. Of which I wanted to answer... "not much," but that would make me a pessimist and I could just hear my mom's voice in my head now. So I said the first, most lame thing that came to my mind.
Yeah, I did. So the group, probably groaning inside by my lack of giving them something good to work with, launched into a silly overdone song about yarn and kittens and instagram, which proceeded into a 40-minute act that went everywhere from cows having sex to exposed pussy to jesus to acting out different social media platforms as if they were people. Just like it sounds, it was kind of... bad.
And the worst part was, I completely felt to blame for the quality of the night because of my comment "kittens." Maybe if I had given them something more to work with the evening would have gone better for them... and me, and the poor rest of the audience who was witness to this pure, kitty blashphemy that was happening on stage, all because of my bad idea of happiness. What about the dog-lovers in the room? Could they even relate? See Maggie! No one wants to know what you think! Ohhh childhood always rears its ugly head at all the wrong times. And I just wanted to have a fun night out!
On the way home, after my co-worker tried to make me feel better by saying, "that was the perfect thing to say, Maggie," (yeah I'm her boss so she has to say that), I got to thinking... well, if "kittens" is so lame to say, then what DOES make people happy? What did they WANT me to say? Beer? Sex? Shoes? Money? Friends? Love? What the fuck. How deep did they want me to get? Are we talking paragraphs here? What is a normal? What would they have done if I had said "getting my nails done", because I sure as hell like that. WTF does make humans happy?
For the most part, I find life on earth very boring. I have a big chalkboard wall in the living room -- I mean the kitchen-slash-living room of my studio apartment, and it looks like it could be the brain of a serial killer. I think I scared the plumbers when they popped in on me during a surprise little sink flood the other day. I could just feel them judging me. My head just does not work like other people's.
During my normal moments - which are few and far between - I write things on my wall like grocery lists and the names of people I want to work with... or draw pictures of what I ate for dinner that night, like my infamous sweet potatoes and homemade icing. But when I'm especially angry and bored with my fellow man, which is most of the time, I write words like FUCK and LAME and BORED TO DEATH- SEX." The meaning, of the latter, is that at that moment the only thing I found to be interesting on earth is sex. Seriously, what else is there other than orgasms? God, I'm the psychopath, aren't I?
FUCK. In all caps.
It's not that I don't like hanging out with people. It's that I hate the menial, trivial things that people talk about. I really do like to be alone, and besides work I spend about 95 percent of my time that way. And I'm pretty normal when I'm alone. And if I am going to have an actual conversation, I want it to be about something we can create together like a thought-provoking film or screenplay, or something real like psychic powers or past lives or aliens or astrology or the brainwashing of the masses.
But the problem is, I find most humans want to talk about things that make me want to scream WHO THE FUCK CARES? I want to shake them from their close-talking chubby pea brains and yell, HELLO, we are spinning on a planet in space and its been here for billions of years and we are fucking up every life form on it including ourselves and nothing really matters, especially all the stupid shit you are talking about RIGHT NOW.
So here is my list of why humanity completely and utterly bores the shit out of me. If I could press a button and go to another planet and live in a more exciting place where I can actually relate to people, I would... especially because of these reasons:
1. They like to have kids.
Am I the only person in the whole world who gets creeped out by a room full of pregnant woman or who is freaked out by daycares full of swaballing barfing pooping mini-humans? And every time I log onto facebook and see that someone is preggers or had another kid I get feelings of rage? So great, someone came inside you and everyone thinks that it is a "little miracle." And I'm supposed to buy you a present and go to your baby shower and in general, care and congratulate you? As you can imagine, if I half-had a friend before they got preggo, it completely ends up falling apart after they have the kid... mainly on their end because they expect me to ask questions and participate in their experience when I just plain refuse. I don't ask you to take an active interest of my job and hobbies, so why should I care that you got knocked up and did what the universe wanted you to all along? It's called nature and that is what happens to every single organism on the planet when they let it. Or at least the mammals anyway. What you don't understand, human, is what is locked inside your unconscious - of which you have purposely lost the key. And that is that A.) You just wanted to duplicate a little mini-you because you subconsciously love yourself so much. B.) You want to find meaning in your life that cannot ever be found but you will never be ok with, and C.) You want to give the illusion to the rest of the world and your so-called 'friends' and family that you are doing what humans just... do. And that you are happy about it. When you don't even know what makes you happy. Which is all fine, but leave me out of it.
2. They value family.
"Families" breeds an unhealthy, disillusioned team mentality and reinforce all of the trivial, menial things that you will talk about every time you are with them for the rest of your life. Seriously, who has ever gotten deep and real with their relatives? What family makes changes for the good of all humanity versus ensuring the comfort of their little micro-bubble? Very few. Not because they don't have good intentions, but because deep down they are are too busy carting each other off to IKEA, soccer tournaments and church to give a shit about anything else happening around them except their little special team of which they are so proud. I'm not a complete hater -- I was adopted and I'm grateful and my folks are very nice to spend all that money and time raising me, but would I ever do it... hell no! Family is meant to dumb you down and blindly occupy your time and reinforce what society wants for you - to be oppressed, brainwashed, and buy into its capitalistic consumerism culture as you make plans for what color you are going to paint the bathroom or what SUV you are going to buy next. There is a reason radicals lead single lives. Sure, maybe a few families have risen above this - and all the power to you - but overall we would all be a little better off with less of these selfish little consumer bubbles that suck the earth's resources and make us all a bit unhappier. So I say get abortions and get divorced and marry the same sex or hell, even your uncle. An anti-family revolution is in store to kill the evils of society and ultimately help people find their true selves, which always happens alone.
3. They like to talk about food.
The next time you go to dinner with your family or friends, please keep a count of what percentage of the conversation is about food. I'm a very-much-vegan so I don't believe in killing animals for food so that rules out most restaurants and experiences surrounding food. What is pleasure to you is horror for me. To me, 99 percent of what food represents the oppression of animals (through the dairy and egg industry) and the violent death of billions of innocent animals a day, just because they TASTE good and humans are assholes and won't change their ways, even though with all the documentaries and the internet they KNOW better. So keep turning your ignorant species-loving blind eye to it all and enjoy your eggs & ham benedict that a poor pig lived tortured in a crate for his whole life so you could shit him out an hour later. Enjoy that with your family. And probably a baby somewhere near by. And while you are at it, be sure to pet your dog, because in case you didn't notice you are eating one animal and loving another. So I guess when aliens take over the planet someday and eat you, you will have to understand. They will say that humans just taste good, they aren't conscious and we were put on the planet for them. I can't wait for that to happen. Then things won't be so boring. I just hope that I end up in a fancy restaurant some day with some good sauce to go along with my ass meat. That will be one happy alien.
4. They love themselves.
One thing that Twitter has taught me is that every human is so so very in love with themselves. They all want to share their knowledge and know-how and look-at-me-aren't-I-smart-ness. Barf. Everyone is about self promotion and looking great in their photos and gaining followers. Gaining every little bit of power a human can muster with what he is born with and what he learns in his life by others that crave power too. The great part is, a meteor or other huge natural disaster could come destroy all of our self-loveliness in half a second. All of this knowledge, for what? Humanity is but a blip on the surface of history. And there is no real love, except for self love. We 'love' because we want to feel loved, not because we really love anyone but ourselves. Attraction is nothing but a science based on nature and reproductive urges and smell and all that animal nature stuff (watch 'The Science of Sex'). If aliens landed on the planet we would look like random gross animals to them. 'Pretty' is totally subjective if you are another species. But everything on earth is about human-worship so we can't even think that way. Men have millions of sperm and therefore its against their nature to be faithful, although some will overcome it. Women are nurturers with a limited amount of eggs and hence we want to settle down, although some will fight it. And yet the two opposites are expected to get married and live together as one when it is a complete lie designed to make others rich by the creation and maintenance of the family unit for society's machine of commerce. Social media is the devil and I hate it. It is petting our narcissistic ways and reinforcing our love for our own species and nothing else.
5. They do things to divert reality and simply occupy their time until they die
Video games, sports, TV, celeb magazines, celeb worship, gossip, movies, drugs, alcohol. The biggest dumbing down of the world is getting us to watch corporate-sponsored bullshit that makes someone else rich and diverts us from what is really going on by encouraging us to vicariously live our stupid lives through the lens of an unnatural little square we call TV. It's all designed to keep us oppressed, not thinking, brainwashed and avoiding reality. It doesn't have to be that way but hell, it's just all TOO EXCITING to quit.
If I had just said 'the Blackhawks' last night instead of 'kittens' my evening would have been totally worth it. FUCK!!!
SIDENOTE TO HUMANS AND ALIENS. If anyone feels the same way I do I encourage you to message me. I would like a friend. No one I know thinks like this and it's lonely on the planet. If you are an alien I will teach you English so we can communicate. I know you are here so don't hide. As for the other humans, I am a nice person despite my anger in my list. Please don't judge too hard, even though I am judging you I am still trying to learn about love. I don't condone any physical violence towards any being, including humans. Just try to be less annoying and stupid and ignorant. Thanks.
Filed under: Uncategorized