Good morning, friends!
What's that? You don't feel too good this morning? Too much Holiday Cheer?
Fear not, for Dr. Joe is going to give you a Harvard quality Holiday Party Survival Guide!
And a no fooling around hangover recipe.
Yes, Kwanzaa season is in full swing and everywhere you turn, you're reminded how far behind you are in your shopping.
Well, I can't help you with that, because I don't really know myself what shopping is.
Hopefully, someday scientists can figure it out, right after they cure cancer and develop Warp Drives.
But, what I can help you with is how to survive the endless stream of Holiday Parties you'll be attending!
So, without further ado, here's my list of rules for surviving the Holidays:
1) If you are a guy, get married
Now, this may seem like an odd way to begin, but it's actually the most practical.
First, it's women who plan these parties, and no one is going to invite the weird single guy.
However, when you're married, they have to invite you in order to get your lovely wife to attend!
Second, when you go to one of these parties, you are expected to either bring a "Hostess Gift" or something for a child for charity.
This poses two problems.
If a man walks into a store where literally there is only one thing on the shelf and it is labeled "Hostess Gift", we still would not know what to do.
We'd come home and tell our wives, "Honey, I couldn't find anything, so I thought we could give her the pizza coupon we got in the mail yesterday."
Why are we so flummoxed by this task?
Simple, we cannot comprehend the purchase of "cute", but essentially useless crap to give people.
Imagine going to your buddy's house to watch the game and bringing him a "cute" beer cozy, instead of actual beer.
You would never be invited anywhere ever again.
The children's gifts pose an even greater challenge.
Did you know stores have a children's section?
No, you don't, even if you raised six kids.
And if you do, I'm seriously wondering what's wrong with you.
I mean, imagine going to a store and buying a bunch of children's books and clothing. Your cash register exchange would be something like this:
"Will these items for little children be all, sir?
"Yes, I think so."
"OK, well wait right here while I wrap these for you. Will you be needing any ropes or duct tape?"
"Very good, and shall I'll have our staff help you carry these out to your windowless van?"
"Very good, sir. Please swipe your credit card so I will have all of your information to turn over to the authorities. Happy Holidays!"
Very, very awkward.
This time of year, most of these lists will contain endless series of articles on "How to Watch Your Calories at Holiday Parties."
The key is how to eat the most meaningful calories.
First, get there early, like literally knock on the door the second it is the correct time.
This has the benefit of you being the first, and thus, having your choice of what there is to eat.
You can even offer to "help" while your hosts finish getting dressed, so you can pick at all the platters.
If you ignore my advice, then you'll be left eating the overcooked ends of the beef tenderloin, while everyone else eats the choice medium rare parts, laughing at you while the blood drips down their chins.
If you liked the overcooked ends, then please leave my blog immediately, because you sicken me.
The other reason for eating as much of the good stuff early on is to prepare your stomach for the:
Let's face it, this is really why you are at this party, so you can drink someone else's booze and have your wife drive you home.
But, as with everything else, you must approach this very carefully.
Dr. Joe will freely admit to having, on occasion, been "overserved", because the hosts don't know enough to put the booze away when you're drunk.
When you drink, just go for the good stuff. Seriously, just ignore the "Lite" beer, and drink like a man.
However, I strongly urge you to avoid the good hard liquor as tempting as it may be, because you will be asleep on their couch (at best) before most of the guests have even arrived.
Stick to beer, with some occasional glasses of water, to make the evening last.
If you ignore my advice, and wake up with your wife sleeping in the guest room, a pounding headache and a mouth that tastes like a family of sewer rats live there, fear not, for here is my (not as yet) patented hangover cure:
1) A cheese omelet
2) Breakfast sausages
3) Toast or English Muffins
4) Strong coffee
I assure you, even if you feel like you are about to vomit violently, just a few bites will go a very long way to settling your stomach.
Also, it will protect your irritated gut from the coffee and Advil.
Finally, my last word of advice:
4) Don't Fondle Anyone
Now, I know, given what we have been hearing in the news every hour of every day, you'd think this one would be obvious.
But, let's face it, that's just not how men are.
So, here's the problem.
When you go to a party where you know a lot of the people, there's the inevitable "Kiss, Kiss" with all your wife's friends.
But because we men are creatures of habit, it will be the natural inclination to extend this to someone you don't know, especially if they are pretty hot.
As tempting as it is to "be friendly", the reality is no one really wants to be friends with you.
Remember, you only got married in order to get invited to these things to begin with, otherwise you'd be at home eating Dominos pizza and watching porn.
So, that's it. I kept it simple so there's no way to screw it up.
But, you probably will anyway.
SPECIAL ADDENDUM FOR HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTIES
YES, SINCE YOU READ TO THE END OF MY POST, HERE'S THE SURE FIRE WAY TO GET THROUGH YOUR OFFICE PARTY WITHOUT GETTING FIRED FOR SURE!
1) Don't drink
2) Don't touch anyone
And if anyone tries to tell you they have better advice than me, remember what I tell you: STAY SKEPTICAL!
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Filed under: Health Care