Dr. Joe’s Guide to the Apocalypse

I have been somewhat remiss in my postings the past few weeks, however, recent events have led me to believe that many of my gentle readers are in a state of anxiety over the inevitable end of the world, which should be occurring shortly.

We have a most likely, senile world leader in a pissing match with a maniacal Third World leader, threatening each other with Nukes.

We have our country being torn apart by groups so filled with hatred and racism, that truth be told, I could not even imagine they could still exist.

We have horrible terrorist attacks, most recently in Barcelona, that are beyond comprehension,

And we have the solar eclipse due this Monday, which from the dawn of man has been seen as an omen, a harbinger of doom.

So, how does one prepare for the inevitable nuclear winter that is sure to come after a global exchange of weapons of mass destruction?

Well, I’ll forewarn you, it won’t be easy, but it’s doable. You will just have to follow a few of my basic rules of survival.

RULE #1: DO NOT HOARD SUPPLIES!

Why you ask? Because if you do, all those lazy bastards that failed to prepare will be knocking on your door, or knocking down your door to get at it. Better you have nothing, and can just go around stealing from the idiots that decided to “stock up”.

RULE #2: DON’T BOTHER WITH GUNS, UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!

I know, seems counter-intuitive, but the truth is, you won’t be able to hit the side of the barn with that nifty Glock you just bought, because you never actually shot one.

More likely, it will be taken from you, and you’ll be shot with it. Why make it easier on the roving gangs?

RULE #3: JOIN A ROVING GANG!

I know, I know, they’re the bad guys. Well, they’re probably the most likely to survive.

And ladies, be forewarned that the leader may need some “favors” if you want that moldy piece of fruit, so, now is not the time to be prudish.

RULE #4: CANNIBALISM

Now, this is a little awkward, I know, but the reality is that after the nuclear war, nuclear winter will set in, which will kill off all the animals and vegetation.

(Silver lining: Global warming will be a thing of the past! I’m sure we will all laugh about how silly we were as we slowly freeze to death.)

Now, cannibalism needs to be approached systematically.

The morbidly obese, having never gotten off the couch, will be the human equivalent of Kobe beef. Heavily marbled and very tender.

Plus, they eat a lot, so getting rid of them first will make the food supply last longer.

The second group would be the vegetarians. Now, they’d be your “grass fed” Angus equivalent.

A little leaner, but not at all gamey. Plus, they’re going to starve anyway, so no use letting them go to waste.

Last, you have the elderly. These would be best prepared in a stew, since they are very likely to be quite stringy.

Once you get through those, either the nuclear winter will be starting to ease up, or you’re just screwed.

RULE #5: AND BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL-STAY SKEPTICAL!!

People have been predicting the end of the world since the beginning of humanity. The reality is, it’ll probably happen when we are not paying attention by some rogue asteroid.

We must always have faith, that despite unimaginable obstacles (See: Black Plague, Attila the Hun, World War I and World War II), humanity has always been able to survive and advance.

We will survive this period of darkness as well. It will not be easy, but what is important is that we learn from what we have experienced, and strive to not repeat it.

We are stronger than we can imagine, but we must strive to work together, if we are to accomplish the Herculean tasks that lay ahead of us.

But until Doomsday arrives, please sign up for my blog, comment and like my page on Facebook!

 

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