How do you recap a show again?
It has been a long, long time since we've been back to visit Westeros, and not much has changed. This episode was a nice little check-in, and I was very grateful to the writers for making sure everyone's name was said out loud at some point, because hell if I remember who's who. (Hey there, Beric Dondarrion! I spelled that right, first try!)
Let's check in with all our friends and speculate wildly about what's to come, shall we?
The Twins: The episode opened on a fake-out that wasn't too hard to figure out. No, Walder Frey didn't have a slightly less evil twin (let's call him Filch Frey) who was willing to step up and rule the Riverlands. That was Arya in a mask, murdering all the rest of the Freys because she has superpowers now and/or a secret lair where she stores her many, many skin suits and voice modulating instruments. How? What? Shhh...don't ask questions. It worked for Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 3 and it definitely works here if you don't think too hard.
The Wall: Bran's brain is traveling all over the upper north side of the wall, while Meera has to do the work dragging his warg ass through the snow. She get's a break now, however, because they're at Castle Black and the brothers of the Night's Watch have taken them in. Calling a romance between Meera and Dolorous Edd in three...two...one... Never mind. I'll get to work on the fanfic myself.
Winterfell: Jon "Don't Call Me King of the North" Snow-garyan is trying to get everyone to care about the Night King, when all they really want to do is continue petty beefs with Houses Umber and Karstark. Jon makes two new young kids who will never be as cool as Lady Mormont no matter how they try the new lord and lady of those two houses, and gives everyone the sound advice to call their brokers and invest in dragonglass. Sansa tells Jon to be smarter than Ned and Robb and lets slip that she learned a whole bunch from Cersei. Nobody puts Sansa in a corner. At least not anymore they don't. Starting...now.
King's Landing: Cersei's making a painted floor map of Westeros because...she has time on her hands? Jaime pretty accurately assumes they're screwed, considering they killed most of their former allies, the North wants nothing to do with them, and Daenerys is on her way. Cersei has a trick up her sleeve, though, and it is...letting Euron Greyjoy propose marriage and then turning him down? I loved Cersei last season, but she's playing chess on a Sorry! board right now. Euron, however, plans to return to her with such a great gift she'll be handing over her lady flower in the time it takes Littlefinger to travel from the Riverlands to Winterfell and back. I'm guessing the gift will be Tyrion's head. Or a timeshare in the Vale.
The Citadel: The less said about the stew diarrhea montage the better. Sam is not living his best life. He's shelving books, emptying bedpans, and watching autopsies. He's also delivering food to grayscale patients in solitary confinement, one of whom is definitely not so secretly Jorah Mormont. (Hi, Jorah!) He's also hanging out with Jim Broadbent and breaking into the restricted part of the library like a common Harry Potter. But now he knows that the castle Dragonstone (WHERE DANY HAS LANDED JUST NOW!) is built on a mountain of dragonglass. Must. Tell. Jon.
Ed Sheeran's Band of Merry Misfits: First of all, if Ed Sheeran's going to invade a beloved book adaptation, it should be The Hobbit. Also, his presence took me right out of this scene. Also, also, was this whole scene just a way for the writers to prove to everyone that "look, not every scene between men and women on this show has to end in sexual assault?"
The Hound: He believes Beric now, because he sees some things in the fire about the icy walking dead. He buries two dead people in a house, people who are dead because of he took their food (right? the people with the chicken?) and almost finds religion. But what he should really be finding is his way to Winterfell and Sansa. Obviously.
Dragonstone: Daenerys was on a boat, but now she's not.
- A lot of good lines this week, like the Hound dissing topknots. He is truly all of us.
- Sansa, "No need to seize the last word, Lord Baelish, I'll assume it was something clever."
- Jim Broadbent's whole speech about how every generation always thinks THIS IS IT, THE END IS NEAR, but life keeps going was great. Especially because we're currently enduring our own "metaphorical ice zombies are coming" era.
- It's great that Tormund has a crush on Brienne, but she should be with Jaime.
- I'll be back tomorrow with Winners and Losers.
What did you think?
I wrote a book! It's YA novel, THE SOUND OF US. You can find the details right here! Kirkus calls it "a winning story about a teenage voice student that hits all the right notes."
I also wrote another book, Any Boy but You, (You've Got Mail in the Pokemon Go era). You can buy it here.
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