The definitive way to behave in the wake of the presidential election

If you follow each and every one of these simple rules to the letter, you will be fine.

Cry

Stop crying

Get angry

Suck it up

Drink

Eat

Don't drink

Don't eat

Protest

Stop protesting

Wait and see

React now

Give money

Give time

Wear safety pins

Don't wear safety pins

Whine on Twitter

Stop whining on Twitter

Whine about whining on Twitter on Twitter

Whine about whining on Twitter with friends over coffee

Quit Twitter

Stop talking to your relatives

Start talking to your relatives

Talk to your relatives only so you can berate them for not feeling the way you do

Drive to the exurbs

Realize you don't have a car

Rent a car and drive to the exurbs

Complain about how people from the exurbs don't bother to drive into the city

Write a think piece about how expecting people from the country and the exurbs to come into the city is rife with privilege

Write another think piece about how the onus shouldn't only be on the folks in the city to head out to the country

Cry about how if we'd only feel empathy for one another, the world would be a better place

Watch To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

Write yet another think piece about how that role was Patrick Swayze's greatest work

Write your congresscritter

Call your congresscritter

Consider becoming a congresscritter yourself

Get a new haircut, because no one is going to vote for you with that mop on your head

Buy a new suit

Return the suit because you have no money

Hug your neighbor

Ignore your neighbor

Threaten your neighbor

Go to sleep

Stay awake. Constant vigilance!

Eat a balanced breakfast

***

I wrote a book! It's YA novel, THE SOUND OF US. You can find the details right here! Kirkus calls it "a winning story about a teenage voice student that hits all the right notes."

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