Game of Thrones recap: No One

Game of Thrones recap: No One

Well, that was...anticlimactic.

So much moving around for so little payoff. Arya was sent to Braavos so long ago for...? Jaime was sent to Riverrun a few episodes ago to Brienne a little? Brienne went to Riverrun...simply to have a conversation with Jaime? For a while it seemed like all the action was going to be centered in the riverlands, but now, nope. Everyone's returning to their respective corners, with storylines erased in the blink of an eye. Blackfish is dead. The Freys have the castle. Arya is heading home.

Let's check in.

Riverrun: The siege is still on. The Blackfish still refuses to give up the castle to the Freys. Brienne shows up and parleys with Jaime. They exchange sweet, moony eyes that only serve to highlight how ridiculous it is that the show is doubling down on the Jaime loves Cersei thing. Jaime hasn't loved Cersei in, basically, decades. This whole thing wreaks of "Wow, we really don't have anyone left who actually likes Cersei, so we need to play up her relationship with her brother. We'll make him leave and miss her, then we'll make him come back to King's Landing JUST in time (or just out of time) to see his sister's trial and eventual execution." (I'm only guessing that Cersei is going to die. I have no knowledge.)

Brienne parleys with Brynden "Blackfish" Tully, who barely knows who Sansa is and, ergo, will not leave his home to help her win back hers. He does help Brienne and Pod escape, though, before the Lannisters attack. (How stupid was that Tully knight. "Oh, jeepers, that's Edmure, who has been in captivity for almost his entire time as lord of this castle. I'd better let him in. There's no way this can fail!")

Basically, Brienne's entire time in Riverrun was reduced to a (granted, NICE) chat with Jaime about their sword and her not being able to talk Brynden into helping out his grand-niece. What a waste of potential Tormund flirting. (Though I'm still #TeamJaienne in my heart, I'm pretty sure this will be the last time Jaime and Brienne ever meet. Go back to the North and bone the nice wildling, Brienne.)

The Riverlands: Sandor Clegane is fighting violence with violence, and wants to kill the people responsible for murdering his one friend, Brother Ray. Clegane had all the best lines in this episode, and is, frankly, just a delight to spend time with--when he's not killing people. He's now buddied up with (the also delightful) Beric Dondarian and his brotherhood without banners. They're headed north to fight the ice monsters behind the Wall (way to be on top of current events, Beric!), and they want Sandor to come with them. Which means--YAY--Sandor Clegane is headed north, which means--YAY--there's a real possibility that he'll meet up with Sansa and the two of them will fall in love forever. He did offer to protect her once. Maybe he can offer to do it again, and she can accept this time. And then smooching.

King's Landing: The Mountain may be strong, but the High Sparrow has the ear of the king. And the king is a goddamn moron, who doesn't realize he's being played. After the Mountain literally rips the head off one of the faith militant, Tommen announces that trial by combat is no longer a thing. Cersei will have to sit in front of a panel of sparrows to plead her case. (Loras, too.)

(Honestly, trial by combat did always seem barbaric to me, so I can't argue with the High Sparrow's reasoning. Also, I guess this means officially no Cleganebowl, which I'm fine with. I'd much rather have Sandor Clegane moving north to his lady love, Sansa, than south to fight his drip of a brother.)

Will Tommen die before Cersei, though, fulfilling the prophecy? And if Tommen dies, who becomes king? So many questions! (Actually, I bet Margaery becomes queen. She has the trust of the faith, and she is the current queen.)

Meereen: That scene between Tyrion, Missendei, and Grey Worm was the most tedious thing I've seen on this show. I hate that the writers have forced Peter Dinklage into scenes with these wet blankets. I loved him with Varys, who's his intellectual equal, but Varys is off on Secret Business.

The slavers (with 1000 ships?) show up and start bombing the city, which, whatever. And then Dany shows up with her dragon and stands there for about five minutes not saying anything while everyone stares at her, which, whatever as well.

Braavos: Arya's stomach is still hurt. She hides out in the dressing room of the mummers troupe she likes so much. Lady Crane takes care of her, but then Lady Crane gets killed by the Waif. A chase ensues (with the waif stalking Arya through the streets like the Waifinator). Arya ends up channeling her inner Syrio, cutting the lights and feeling her way toward killing the Waif. She puts the Waif's face in the hall of masks, tells Jaqen she's out, and he just smiles like, "Atta girl."

What. the. hell?

What was this whole Braavos thing? What did it accomplish? I guess Arya "found herself," and now she's going back home, but I don't feel like she's grown much. I'm sure she'd still kill Cersei or anyone else on her list if she had the chance. And how is she "no one" now that she's killed the Waif? Was that the test? If you can kill your assassin, you become a faceless man? And what happened to her stomach wound? She was bleeding all over Braavos, but now she's sauntering off, like, "Bye, Jaqen." I don't get it. This whole storyline has been such a waste of time.

Other Stuff:

  • Maester Qyburn tells Cersei that the rumors are true. I'm not sure what the rumors are, but goody.
  • Next week is the Battle of the Bastards, the most expensive episode of GoT ever. If it's even half as good as last year's Hardhome, I'll be happy.

What did you think?

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