Are you sick and tired of your friends hanging out at home with their babies, luxuriating in the warm glow of maternity leave? Here's how you, too, can have what they have, in ten simple steps:
1. Gain 30 lbs, all of it in your stomach and boobs.
2. Oh, and speaking of boobs, stick a couple time sensitive water balloons all up in your bra, because those suckers gotta leak.
3. And you're gonna want some hemorrhoids to go along with everything. You're not going to get the full mat leave experience without the hemorrhoids.
4. Get a prescription for some drugs that are really going to mess with your emotions -- you want to be swinging from elated to devastated to nervous to pissed off every hour on the hour.
5. Set your alarm clock to go off every four hours. Sit there awake for twenty minutes. No, you can't sleep. If you sleep, you might suffocate your baby with your giant boobs.
6. Now set two more alarm clocks to go off at other random intervals throughout the day. This is where you have to stop whatever you're doing and clean something disgusting and/or just sit there in a state of wondering what the fuck you've done to your life.
7. Spend all day, every day with someone who's all about me, me, me, someone whose needs you are OBLIGATED to attend to, no matter how ridiculous, gross, or trivial. No, that someone cannot be yourself.
8. Stand at the door each night, waiting, wishing, hoping for someone to stop by -- your mom, a friend, your spouse. When that person finally does arrive, run right out to the gym or collapse in a heap in front of the television. The former is probably more beneficial, the latter is probably more likely.
9. Hey, if you think this is going to be like Club Med -- remember no drinking (at least no more than one or two, you don't want pump and dump because that shit's liquid gold!) and no sex for six weeks.
10. And realize that no matter what, you can't leave. You can't just up and decided to have some "me time" unless it's explicitly planned for in advance. Your "me time" might just be nap time (which can last anywhere from zero minutes to three hours -- and you can never plan for it!) You will not write a novel during this time. You will not contemplate the complex questions of the universe. You won't even do a crossword puzzle. You will not do anything but lie on the couch and sleep/watch reruns of NCIS. That's all you have in you. Understand that you have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.
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