Game of Thrones premiere recap: The Red Woman

Game of Thrones premiere recap: The Red Woman

The theme of the night is VENGEANCE, which is pretty much the theme of every third Game of Thrones episode.

(I'm so glad this show is back! It's like getting to spend time with a bunch of old friends who want to kill and/or bang each other.)

Here's what went down in our various locations:

The Wall: Poor Jon is dead. Still. It's possible that Kit Harington will be playing a corpse the entire season, which is a really convoluted way of auditioning for a Weekend At Bernie's reboot.

Davos is the one who finds him dead in the snow, followed closely by Dolorous Edd and some other dudes. And Ghost, who had been locked in a cell and was wailing away for his fallen master. Sad puppy! Davos and Edd bring Jon back into the castle and lock themselves in a room. They trust no one in the castle. Everyone is dirty. Everyone might've had a hand in this. So, Edd sneaks out to enlist the help of the wildlings (the other folks who owe Jon Snow their lives) and Davos holds out hope that maybe, possibly the titular red woman, Melisandre, might be able to cook up a smoke baby or something to save the day.

Alliser Thorne is power tripping hard right now. He and Bowen Marsh and that smug little fucker Olly are ruling the roost because LOYALTY. Because when someone does something you don't agree with, "loyalty" also can mean "murder the person with whom you have differences." It doesn't feel too far off from this year's presidential campaign (HOT TAKE). Thorne, acting Lord Commander, tells Davos he has until nightfall to get his butt out of that locked room OR ELSE. Davos is still banking on Melisandre magic.

But Mel is not feeling herself right now. She was wrong about Stannis being the ruler to end all rulers, because now Stannis is officially dead, so they say (yes, apparently he is and we should proceed as such) and Jon Snow, whom she once saw fighting at Winterfell in a vision, is also dead. And she is also apparently an old woman when she takes off her necklace. Which at least kind of made the nudity somewhat necessary and not at all shoehorned in for nudity's sake.

Winterfell: Also dead? The kennel master's daughter, Ramsay's girlfriend. Lordlet Ramsay "Snow" Bolton is very sad about the who situation and he is going to AVENGE her death. Because of course he is. It's a lot of big talk from Ramsay, who managed to lose his wife, into whom he's yet to splooge an heir, and whose stepmother is currently carrying a legitimate Bolton heir who's probably going to be a boy. Watch out, little fetus! You're next on Ramsay's kill list.

Sansa and Theon managed to escape Winterfell unscathed. And they crossed a freezing, rushing river, so where's their Oscar already, Leo? It looked like they were about to escape, but then Ramsay's men and dogs showed up. All was lost until...Brienne and Pod to the rescue! Brienne and Pod do some really good killing stuff--and Theon gets in on the action--and now Sansa agrees to let Brienne protect her. I look forward to seeing more from this adorable little quartet. I'm a little bit shipping Sansa and Pod now...until the Hound returns.

King's Landing: Cersei is happy to see the Dornish ship arriving in the harbor...at first. Myrcella is dead, and that is sad, even though Cersei was expecting it. All her kids are going to die. Watch out, King Tommen! Jaime makes some bold pronouncements about how he and Cersei are the only ones who matter and they're going to get theirs, and damn it, Jaimie, I miss you palling around with Brienne. Go do that instead!

Also, Margaery is still in jail. She's not confessing. Tommen wants to see her, but she wants to see her brother, Loras. That's...whatever. The high sparrow finds her to be a slightly more reasonable prisoner than Cersei was.

Dorne: I thought we were done with this place. Stupid Dorne. But now most of them are dead, thanks to the ridiculous Sand Snakes. Goodbye, King Doran and Prince Tristain! We hardly knew ye, and we were better for that.

Meereen: Tyrion and Vayris are wondering where Daenerys is and who leads the Sons of the Harpy. They're also worried about the rise of the Lord of Light cult in the city, and Peter Dinklage got to say "cock."

The Road: Jorah and Daario found Dany's ring because they are the greatest trackers of all time. They now know she's been taken by a khalasar. And grayscale! Oh, the grayscale!

The Khalasar: Lots of gross rapey talk, so yay for that Game of Thrones writers. The one note we had for you last year was "more rape!" Anyway, Daenerys is saved from assault because she's the widow of Khal Drogo, but now she has to go back to Vaes Dothrak to live out her life with the widows of other khals. Game of Thrones just became a Golden Girls reboot!

Braavos: Arya, blind. The waif, still kind of an asshole.

Next week: Bran! Oh, how we've missed you, Bran!

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