The worst people ever to set foot inside Costco today

The worst people ever to set foot inside Costco today

Costco is a place where, each weekend, the biggest scumbags on the planet gather together with the express purpose of ruining your day.

Today they victimized my family. Somehow I lived to tell the tale.

Here are the three awful folks who, if there is justice in the world, will one day find themselves feasting on a buffet of Costco samples fashioned from Ebola-tainted human excrement in HELL.

1. Lady who doesn't know that we "stay to the right" in America. Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's British and in Britain all the Costco traffic flows from the left. But no. I'm not feeling that courteous. So, lady, I'm sorry, but rolling your cart down the left side of the aisle while people are simply trying to pass and keep their kids' eyes from seeing that godforsaken Frozen karaoke machine that plays a disco version of "Let It Go" and only a disco version of "Let It Go" is simply vile and criminal behavior.

2. Dude who just had to have that cranberry meatball sample. Maybe it was the only bit of food he was going to get his meaty paws on all day, I don't know his life. But starvation is really the only acceptable (and even then only marginally acceptable because even hungry people shouldn't be violently rude) explanation for his pinning my husband up against the wall with his cart while diving for the sample tray. Sir, may all your meatballs from this day forward be made out of actual balls.

3. Dickwad who tried to casually cut in line at checkout. Costco was nucking futs today. Literally every person in the Chicagoland area was there. Every single cashier had a line that stretched back to the Pirate's Booty. I found myself about six people deep, behind a guy who was only buying, I think, an actual VCR. As the line slowly snaked up to the front, I noticed a dude hovering next to the guy in front of me, fully ready to sidle up and squeeze into the line before me. I saw it coming and maneuvered myself so that if he actually tried to get in front of me, it would be brutally obvious to everyone, mostly because my yelling and screaming would rival that of Red Ross. He knew that I knew what he was up to and then he stormed off in a huff, pissed off at me because I had caught him at his game and thwarted his efforts to buck the line system. I am a hero and Costco is a more lawful place because of me. YOU'RE WELCOME, EARTH.

Who are your least favorite Costco buttholes?

You may also like:

"Take Several Seats, Blossom: Why I Hate That Mayim Bialik Hates the Movie Frozen"

And "The Hottest Hot Boy Names of 2014"

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CHICAGO TRIBUNE VIDEO

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