I'd say that this episode of Scandal was all about plots and scheming, but what episode of Scandal isn't about plots or scheming?
Let's check in with our buddies.
Liz: Portia de Rossi's RNC chair character is a lady on the move. She's leaning in. She's taking charge. She's dropping her kid off at school AND wheeling and dealing with the gun lobby AND chatting up the prostitute she hired to get Cyrus into a compromising position. See, ladies? You really can have it all.
Cyrus: I don't like this sad, pathetic, needy Cyrus. I am not here for a Cyrus that anyone would call "nice" or "sweet." The Cyrus I know got his husband MURDERED. The Cyrus I know would've found a way to bone Michael the Whore while getting him to pay $2500 for the honor instead of the other way around.
Mellie: My heart hurts for Mellie. It really does. She's been wearing Uggs and robes since the season premiere, but now she's finally found a cause -- saving a bride from being accused of murdering her husband. It's very Olivia Pope. Mellie is going to fix this. Mellie is going to call in her team of gladiators (i.e. Fitz's cabinet) and figure this out. She's going to fly Hot Jeff the Park Ranger (i.e. the Jake in this situation) in from Yosemite and show him what's what. Only Jeff already knew what was what. Two eye-witnesses came forward and testified that the woman didn't kill her husband. All of Mellie's charts were for naught. This whole scene was very painful. Mellie was confused like a nursing home patient who's just been told BINGO's been moved to Tuesday nights. Abby was quick on her feet to get Mellie out of there, but the damage was done. Fitz was looking at his wife with so much pity. Love and concern, too, but mostly pity. Get it together, Mel.
David Rosen: David Rosen and His File Boxes of DOOOOOM is going to be the eventual Scandal spinoff. David Rosen has a whole goddamn room full of file boxes, like up to the ceiling full. I bet he's got dirt on everyone from Fitz to the baby one's diaper changer. He used one of the files tonight to blackmail a judge into voting for a gun control bill. Then the judge killed himself. That's on you, Rosen.
Liv: She's back to scandaling scandals. Penny from Lost was one of Liv's best buddies in law school. Penny went on to marry a very rich man and have a daughter. Then she went on to hook up with her daughter's boyfriend, as you do. Her daughter went missing, and then wound up dead, and now Penny is a suspect in her own daughter's murder. Now's the time to bring back Henry Ian Cusick, Olivia Pope. I mean COME ON. If anyone can save Penny, it's Desmond.
Daddy Pope: He's living back in Olivia's childhood home, making steaks and wearing man wine cardigans. He feels for Liv now that she's back in civilization, so he offers to make her and Jake dinner. Jake balks at first, but then accepts the invitation, because he wants Daddy Pope to get the hell out of Liv's life. This only serves to awaken the monologue beast inside Joe Morton, which shuts Jake down immediately. Nobody out threatens Joe the Morton. Nobody.
Jake: He's still trying to figure out who killed Harrison. Why did nobody care about Harrison this much when he was actually alive? Jake would also like you to know that he's a very skilled lover. Again.
Charlie: Jake's pretty sure Charlie knows who killed Harrison because Charlie runs a website called "Who Killed Whom," a comprehensive database of all the murders ever in the world. It's very successful site. When Jake starts to torture him, Charlie's all, "Bitch, please. Save time and just bring me what I want."
Quinn: That's who Charlie wants. Of course. Quinn has the nastiest taste in guys. She pretends like she's not going to kiss Charlie, but she so wants to kiss Charlie. He's truly the only one who cares about her, the only one who notices when she's gone. When Quinn gave her "poor me, no one notices me" speech to Liv and friends, I pictured her whoring herself out like Snowball and Santa's Little Helper trying to get the Simpsons' attention after the elephant moved in. Have some self-respect, Quinn.
Huck: He tells Quinn that he'll notice the next time she's gone. Too little, too late, bucko.
Abby: She's living the life, putting out fires for Mellie and drinking scotch with Fitz. She and Fitz are so going to hit it, right? They're going to wind up doing something to save Mellie (take her somewhere for her generic Froot Loops addiction?). On the way home, their car will break down and they'll get caught in the rain, and then they'll end up boning to keep each other warm, or at least that's how they'll try to justify it in their brains. It writes itself.
Fitz: He wants his presidency to mean something besides mistresses and dead family members. Good on ya, Fitz.
- Mellie doesn't have a wine cardigan, but she does have a conspiracy theorist cardigan that's the same color as a tinfoil hat.
What did you think of this episode?
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