Scandal is back, gladiators. Put on your white hats, pour a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn. Things have CHANGED.
First of all, we need to talk about the hair. When Olivia boarded that plane last season, she headed off to a remote island somewhere near Zanzibar with only Jake and her wine club membership card in tow. She neglected to bring a hairdresser, which is why Kerry Washington ended up wearing a wig that looked like she bought it on sale at Party City.
Apparently, though, when she and Jake decided to come back to DC for Harrison's funeral (arrangements for this trip took all of five seconds; flights come in and out of desert islands 100 miles off the coast of Zanzibar every hour on the hour) Papa Pope (or whoever?) sent a hairdresser along, because Olivia landed at Dulles with locks that would make Sam Tarly's obsidian dagger feel insipid.
Also, Cyrus got plugs. But that makes sense. He's single now, and ready to mingle.
Let's check in with everyone:
Fitz: He's still president. He's even more without eyebrows than he's ever been. He's been calling himself a Republican for years, but now he's finally acting like the Democrat he's always longed to be. He's filling new cabinet positions. He's pissing off the new RNC chair (Hi, Lindsay Bluth!). He's trying super duper hard to get an equal pay bill passed. Fitzgerald Grant for your vagina, America!
Mellie: She's never been better. She's living the dream. And by that I mean she's bowling on the regular while eating cereal straight from the box and wearing assorted bathrobes and Uggs. Yes, she's also mourning the death of her son, but really I think Gerry's death has only shown her that the way to true happiness is through loungewear and Fruit Loops.
Cyrus: I mentioned the plugs. Also, he's still spying on people. Also, he may be the only one who's able to see Portia De Rossi's character. She may be a figment of his imagination. I would not put it past this show or Shonda. You do remember the Grey's Anatomy Denny debacle?
Abby: She now works for Fitz as his press secretary. She's doing a great job, even if she has to keep her mouth shut about all the conservative buttholes at work. She's sucking it up, though. A girl's got to get paid. And now that Pope and Associates is no more...
Quinn: Someone needs to tell Quinn that Pope and Associates is no more. She's been skulking around the deserted office like that cat from the Hunger Games who doesn't know when to GTFO of District 12. She used her ample tracking and research abilities to track down Olivia ("Jeeves, has anyone ordered a bunch of white clothing and expensive wine and also cheeseburgers?")
Huck: Working at a genius bar or some shit. Still talking in that way that makes me want to go all person-who-murdered-Harrison on him.
Jake: He's doing a lot of touching on Olivia's lady parts. What is she doing for him in return? Not getting him beer.
Olivia: She's running back from hiding at the first chance she gets ("Harrison is dead!" "Liv, you barely even knew he was alive last season"), and answering doors for strange women.
B-613: Has been reduced to a bunch of boxes in David Rosen, Attorney General's storage locker. Oh, yeah, Fitz's shady Secret Service agent is also still around. And Papa Pope, but mostly all he's doing is ordering extra wine at dinner under the guise of maybe his daughter might show up one day.
Case of the Week: An old ass senator who was on the fence about the equal pay bill has a thing for young brunettes. Meg from Loving sent her assistant to his house to "talk to him" about supporting the bill. He tried to rape the assistant. The assistant tossed him over the railing. He nearly died. Olivia got to make a speech about sexual harassment and women not making enough money for that shit. Bill passed. Olivia checks the whole thing off as "Fixed" in her Filofax.
- More hair. Abby's looks amazing.
- Jake can do a lot of things in fifteen minutes.
- Goodbye, Harrison. We hardly knew ye. Really, seriously. This episode spent more time on Harrison than all the previous episodes combined.
- Olivia's desert island name was "Julia Baker." I like to think her middle name was "Sugar."
- All joking aside, the scene with Mellie and Fitz in the cemetery was really touching. They're bonded by this horrible thing that happened, but they're still so far apart from each other.
- Actually, all of the Mellie/Fitz stuff was great. I love her new attitude. She has better things to do with her time than to worry about what Fitz is doing with his day. She's asking him to be honest about when he sees Olivia. This is how trust works between them. She knows he's going to see Liv; Mellie's one request is that he tell her about it. All of this feels real and sad and just kind of like these people have been married for a very long time and have been through so much shit together. "I know you're going to see her. Just don't lie to me about it. Show me that measure of respect."
- I think Abby and David are over, which is great because this opens the door for DOLIVIA POSEN.
- Huck and Finn might also be over? At least for now? Looks like there might be more face licking in the offing. You might want to watch Scandal on an empty stomach next week.
- Fitz and Liv almost touch, but don't, and then they smile. Are they proud of themselves for their self control? Did they not touch fingers because they've already been secretly boning since Olivia's plane landed? I just want this relationship to be buried next to Gerry and Harrison. KILL IT, SHONDA.
What did you think of the Scandal premiere?
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