Yes, I watched The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story on Lifetime, which was based on Dustin Diamond's (Screech's) memoirs and was also (quite obviously) produced by Diamond as well.
In case you didn't watch (you really didn't need to watch), here are some things I learned:
1. Dustin Diamond is one of the most un-self-aware people of all time.
2. Or maybe that's just par for the course, growing up in Hollywood the way he did.
3. He, apparently, is always the victim. In all circumstances. Except that time he got drunk and lost his virginity in South Carolina.
4. He pretty much liked all the girls (in a friendly way, you pervs), who all came off as decent people in the film.
5. Lark Voorhies had a secret almost-romance with Mark-Paul Gosselaar, but it never went anywhere because of her strict parents and the show's need to promote the Zack-Kelly romance (and maybe it had something to do with the fact that Mark-Paul was white and she was black, but that was never really explored too extensively).
6. She was (is) also a Jehovah's Witness.
7. We saw no indication that she would grow up to be the hot mess she is today.
8. After seeing this film, I want to see The Unauthorized Elizabeth Berkley story.
9. How does one go from being a sweet and innocent dancer who wants to use her Saturday morning teen show to make a difference in the world to starring as Nomi in Showgirls?
10. Or maybe there isn't such a long walk between the two.
11. I'd also be up for a Tiffani-Amber Theissen movie.
12. She, a former Teen cover girl and beauty queen, managed to nab roles in two of the seminal teen shows of the '90s. Her career should've died after Kelly Kapowski, but it didn't. She still had Valerie Malone in her.
13. And that mole, which I never noticed until 90210, was apparently there the whole time. Maybe my parents' television had horrible resolution.
14. Screech (I'm sorry, Dustin Diamond) did not like Mario Lopez very much.
15. Mario Lopez really was a dancer and wrestler. Art imitating life! (Or lazy TV writers just being super lazy!)
16. Back in the early '90s he showed evidence of the poon hound he grew up to be.
17. Though I saw no evidence of "Extra host."
18. Mark-Paul Gosselaar wants us all to believe that he did not take a sip of alcohol until the fourth season of Saved by the Bell.
19. He's a first generation American. His dad is Dutch. His mom is part Indonesian.
20. And he did not come by that blond hair naturally.
21. Lisa was supposed to be Jewish, Slater was supposed to be white, and Jessie wasn't supposed to exist. All of these changes came to us from the mind of one brilliant and open-minded producer.
22. Brandon Tartikoff and Dustin Diamond were totes besties.
23. There are no young actors in Hollywood who look anything like the actors from Saved by the Bell, or at least no young doppelgängers who were willing to lower themselves to star in this "movie."
24. Things we did not learn from The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story.
25. What the hell happened to Nikki?
26. Did Leah Remini try to convert everyone to to Scientology?
27. Tori Spelling. I need to know more about Tori Spelling.
28. When they switched the show from Good Morning, Miss Bliss to Saved by the Bell, why did they keep Belding and not Hayley Mills? Was it money? Did Ms. Parent Trap not want to play second banana to a bunch of brats?
29. Did the actress who played Tori turn the show into a den of iniquity?
30. What really happened to Max, the dude who owned The Max?
31. Were the Saved by the Bell cast members friends with the kids from California Dreams?
32. What about Hang Time?
33. Also, where's my Unauthorized Hang Time Story? I'd bet Reggie Theus could tell tales.
34. And, finally, the most important revelation of all: Dustin Diamond is not Screech.
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