Yesterday I went to Lollapalooza for the first time.
I never went back in high school when it was first getting started and I was wearing flannel and Birkenstocks on the regular.
I didn't go ten years ago when it was rebooted and I was a relatively hip, young thing in my mid-20s.
No, I decided that the perfect time to experience Lollapalooza was after I had already devolved into a cranky, old mom whose current dream fun night involves trivia games and Pimm's cups.
I went in as kind of a blank slate. I was familiar-ish with a few of the musical acts. I was ready to go with the flow (my husband had basically planned out the day for us, since he was much more passionate about which bands we needed to see). During the early part of the day, I was actually quite into it. The music was fun. I liked the freedom of being able to walk around and not have to stay for an entire act. The weather was mostly OK for much of the time.
But by the end of the day, I started to come to terms with the fact that Lollapalooza is not for me, and I am not for Lollapalooza.
Here's my list of Lollapalooza shit I'm getting too old for.
1. Booty shorts and midriff-bearing tops. I'm not talking about for me. I've never been one to walk around with my ass cheeks hanging out, and I recognize no one wants to see the stomach paunch left behind after two pregnancies. The thought that kept going through my mind while seeing these young, scantily clad girls traipsing through the mud was, "Crap. That will be my daughter someday. I will get no sleep from 2023-2028."
2. Rain. The first rain of the day was fine. Heck, even the second and third and fourth were OK. But by the time we were standing near the Bud Light stage, waiting for Childish Gambino to appear, the deluge just added insult to injury.
3. Crap left on toilet seats. In Port-A-Potties. How does one manage to defecate on the toilet seat? I don't know. But that's what happened. I'm pretty sure I've never been young enough for that shit.
4. Dude bros. Especially the tree who stood directly in front of me at Childish Gambino. He won points for wearing a Breaking Bad shirt, but lost points for wearing a Doge hat, and lost points again for planting himself directly in front of a tiny, elderly woman.
5. Stupid girls. Especially the geniuses who decided to stand on the lid of the garbage can in order to see better...but then fell in. Actually, that was hilarious. More of that, please. Schadenfreude is always a welcome feeling, especially when a tree is blocking your view of the stage.
6. Close proximity to disgusting humans. Picture the most vile person on the planet. Amplify it by ten. This was the guy who stood near me (again) at Childish Gambino. He had rolled in the mud (and apparently in vomit); and, deciding he no longer needed his disgusting shirt, he hurled it toward the front of the crowd and onto a poor, unsuspecting human. I have a sneaking suspicion that this was the same guy who left the shit on the toilet seat.
So, yeah. I'm too old for Lollapalooza, and I'm fine with that. I'll see all you kids in twenty years when Chromeo's playing at Ravinia.
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