I saw something very disturbing last week, something that shook me to my core and left me wondering if I'd ever sleep soundly again. That something was the trailer for Disney's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It's down at the bottom of this here page. Go watch it. I'll wait.
That's a parody, right? There's some joke I'm not getting. There's no way talented actors like Jennifer Garner, Steve Carell, and Donald Glover sign on for that crap without there being more to the story. I can only imagine the dirt Disney has on those three. It must be juicy.
Or...not. I mean, yes, it's weird that Carell is in this film. He's prestigious now. He's making light-serious stuff like The Way, Way Back. He doesn't need Alexander (or maybe he does; bitch gots to get paid, and maybe indies don't keep Nancy Walls living in the manner to which she's become accustomed). But Donald Glover, he definitely doesn't need Alexander. Don't tell me he left Community for this garbage. He's headlining at Lollapalooza. He's a bonafide rapper. He is not third banana in a shitty Disney retelling of a children's short story.
But Jennifer Garner. Maybe she does need Alexander. I mean, financially she's probably good. Her husband's so good at gambling that he gets kicked out of casinos. But obviously she wants to keep her career going. She doesn't want to be Ben Affleck's wife forever. She was the one who brought him back from the brink of disaster. She was the brighter star when they hooked up, not the other way around. She's a Golden Globe winner, for goodness's sake.
But she's digging herself a hole here with this Alexander crap. Here's how she can reclaim her once-bright acting future.
Definitely Do: She needs stop pretending she's a leading woman and start marketing herself as a supporting actress. Her best film work to date has been in the supporting arena (Juno and Dallas Buyers Club). Give up the dream of being Sandra Bullock today, and morph into being Sandra Bullock ten years ago. Ten years ago, Bullock was stuck in crappy rom-com hell. She was on her way to where Kate Hudson is today. But then she took a small role in Crash and a supporting role against Toby Jones in Infamous. And the next thing anybody knew, she was blindsiding everyone by winning an Oscar.
But even more than take small roles, J-Gar should go back to her roots. Television is where it's at anyway. All the good roles for women are on TV right now. She needs to find something against type, her Carrie Matheson, on HBO or Showtime or AMC or Netflix and act the hell out of it.
Definitely Do Not Do: Any more crappy family movies. We already see her as the twee mommy-about-town; that image does not need to be enhanced with every role she plays. Edge it up. Also stay away from anything that reads too close to Alias. Nothing will ever be Alias.
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