I was at BlogHer 2014 this weekend. In case you don't know what that is, it's a massive conference whose purpose is to celebrate, support, and inform women (and some men) who blog.
I had a great time at BlogHer. I heard Kerry Washington and Arianna Huffington speak. I danced like a fool while Rev Run spun tunes. I met some very cool people and got to spend the weekend hanging with Kim Z. Dale of Listing Beyond Forty.
During the day at the conference, we went to "classes" and breakout sessions on topics such as screenwriting and freelancing and monetizing your blog (which, admittedly, is not my Councilman Jamm).
The most cynical thing I heard all weekend happened at the "building your community" seminar, and it went something like this: "As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started cultivating my social media presence." Let me repeat that: "As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started cultivating my social media presence." In other words, this baby was going to make its mother some coin.
"What in the goddamn fuck?"...was my initial reaction.
But then I got to thinking. Maybe this woman was just being practical. What are children if not walking, talking, pooping ATMs? I know when I'm feeling a little low on cash, I just drop a quick post on this here blog and wait for the money to roll in. By throwing her unborn fetus into the branding realm, this lady was just diversifying her investment, or some other money term that fits better.
So, I've come up with seven surefire ways to make money off your baby, to make sure your fetus works for you and not the other way around.
1. Start contacting brands now. Only suckers pay for baby clothes and diapers.
2. On that same note, when your baby is born, s/he will be a blank canvas...for lots and lots of tattoo ink. Turn that little bugger into a NASCAR vehicle fueled by breast milk.
3. Except, no. Sure, it's all the rage to boob feed your kid, but breast milk is free. The real money's in formula feeding. A girl's got to get paid!
4. Treat your body like a garbage can while pregnant. Eat all the artificial colors. Roll the dice with some cold lunchmeat. Drink caffeine. Drink alcohol with your caffeine and caffeine with your alcohol. Do everything you can to help your fetus on the road to physical or mental abnormality, AKA liquid blog gold.
5. Conversely, treat your body like a temple while pregnant. Then, when your shiny, crunchy, perfect baby pops (100% naturally) out of your prisine vagine in nine months, you can tell everyone with the utmost certainty how to ensure that their baby comes out just as perfect as your baby. ("The secret is...flax seed oil and kitten tears.")
7. Strike up your email correspondence with Ray J. immediately. The time you put in now will pay dividends later.
I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, but these seven tips should put you on the right path toward fetus-mommy blogging success.
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