Who's America's New Sweetheart?

I discovered something very disturbing the other day. In 2013 there are no awful/amazing romantic comedies (OK, except this one, which looks horribly amazing and embarrassing for all involved) on the docket. None. Not a 27 Dresses, not a How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, not even a Bride Wars. Nothing. How will we survive the year?

John did some research by googling some random words, and he discovered that rom-coms made almost zero dollars last year. The studios practically had to pay audiences to sit through the likes of that one horrible looking Gerard Butler movie and that other awful movie with Tom Hardy and Chris Pine. And even then people just took the money and saw The Avengers instead.

I have a few theories about this. Sure, no one saw the crappy romantic comedies last year, but that's because they were most certainly crappy. Shockingly, people don't like to see crappy movies, generally. And, more importantly I think, nobody liked the female leads in these crappy movies. Reese Witherspoon charmed us all in Legally Blonde, but now she's known more for being kind of a shrew than a lovable girl-next-door (at least if you read the tabloids, she is). And nobody likes Jessica Biel, I mean, come on. Her last name anagrams to "bile."

So now that Reese and Kate Hudson and Katherine Heigl are no longer all that sweet, and Anne Hathaway is too busy being a Serious Actress and going bald and dying while singing, and Jennifer Garner and Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston are getting too old, who is America's new sweetheart? Who is the new lady we'd like to see fall (sometimes literally) for the younger generation's most bland male leads? Who has it in her to woo us while she woos the new model Dermot Mulroneys and Dylan McDermotts?


Leave a comment