How to Fix Downton Abbey

How to Fix Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey is TV crack, like Grey's Anatomy. But just like with regular crack and Grey's Anatomy, you get addicted and you kind of hate yourself for it. Though the acting is decent and the sets and costume are amazing, this show should not be mentioned in the same breath as Breaking Bad or Mad Men. Maybe Boardwalk Empire, though, because, like with Boardwalk E, I often find myself zoning out through the many storylines on Downton Abbey that have run their course.

But the show can be fixed! I'm going to play story doctor and give you all a cure for the show. Hopefully someone will listen to me and not cast me aside like Lord Grantham did to poor Dr. Clarkson...TO DISASTROUS RESULTS!

  • How to fix...The Mr. Bates Situation. Mr. Bates is just sooo righteous. He's been framed for countless crimes, from theft to murder, and he's never done a one of them! And we never for a minute believed that he could've done a one of them. But what if Mr. Bates has been playing the long con and he actually DID murder his ex-wife. And what if evidence comes to light that makes Anna and the rest of us start wondering if maybe Bates could've done it. And maybe he escapes from prison and Anna is worried that she's going to get the old ex-wife treatment and she finds comfort in the arms of...the hot new footman that all the pretty young maids are crushing on. And then Mr. Bates shows up one stormy night and Lord Grantham lets him in because Lord Grantham is a stubborn moron and PEOPLE DIE!
  • How to fix...The Cousin Isobel/Ethel Situation. Nobody likes Ethel. Nobody ever liked Ethel. That's why they kicked her out of Downton in the first place. But the only person people like less than Ethel is Cousin Isobel. She's the smacked around Chris Brody of Downton Abbey. So what if Ethel "accidentally" poisons Cousin Isobel and keeps her body up in the bedroom, telling everyone that Isobel is sick. And who would check, because who wants to be left stuck in a room alone with prissy Cousin Isobel? And then Ethel starts to make all the decisions as if she's Isobel and she takes over her identity and eventually rips off a wig, revealing a scarred, bald head a la Dr. Kimberly Shaw from Melrose Place. Because the best way to fix a stupid, boring character is to make that character bat shit crazy.
  • How to fix...Everything Else. Most of these characters have overstayed their welcome, so maybe Downton should get another visit from the Spanish Flu, which kills everyone in the house except Branson, Mr. Carson, Mrs. Hughes, O'Brien, Thomas, Ladies Mary and Ethel, and Isis. Of course, Isis. And Baby Branson can live, too, sure.

What do you think? Or is Downton perfect the way it is?

More to say? Come join the Hammervision party on Facebook. It's more fun than getting a talking to from Cousin Isobel.

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Tags: Downton Abbey, TV

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