New Study: All Liberals Are Brainwashed

New Study: All Liberals Are Brainwashed

Everyone voting for President Obama has been brainwashed by the liberal mainstream media. That's just scientific fact, according to several people in my Facebook feed.

This concerns me, as a liberal-leaning American. Have I been brainwashed? I guess I wouldn't know, would I? That's kind of the point of brainwashing. You don't know until it's too late and you're drinking vats of Kool-Aid and wearing Nike tennis shoes and settling in for a long nap in a metal bunk bed. (The Heaven's Gate cult thing really stuck with me. Formative years, and all. Hey, maybe that was part of the brainwashing, too!)

But a new theme has popped up in the conservative plight to save all of us lefties from ourselves and our LAMESTREAM OVERLORDS. It's not just MSNBC and CNN and those heathens at Comedy Central and PBS who are trying to eat our brains and turn us all liberal. It's every left-leaning person on any form of social media ever. Never mind that you can control who you interact with on Facebook and Twitter. You can't over-think the logistics on this too much. Your brain will literally die.

See, you may think that your hippy Aunt Patty who works at a co-op in Portland is merely an innocent, tree-hugging goofball. But no. She is a plant by the mainstream media to fill your head with dreams of clean energy and affordable health care and equal rights for everyone, not just those people who look and act like you do.

And every single person on Twitter? Well, they're just there to brainwash you. Except, probably, for Elisabeth Hasselbeck because she's a conservative and therefore correct in her opinions. And, really, she's probably only there just to make Twitter seem legit and not like a mainstream media head-infiltrating factory. The people behind this operation are GENIUS.

So, now I'm concerned. I mean, obviously, as a woman and a liberal I can't form opinions on my own. I need Jon Stewart to do that for me, even though I read newspapers and I relish listening to dissenting opinions, but maybe that's all just part of the elaborate scheme to brainwash me. Maybe that's something I'm going to have to come to grips with.

Because, obviously, the other side couldn't possibly be brainwashed to think I'm brainwashed. I mean, that's just next level, Inception-style crazy shit.

Or maybe none of us is brainwashed and we're all equally right and wrong in our opinions. Because they're opinions. They come from unique experiences, pet passions, specific world views. Our individual beliefs, our differing opinions, are what make this country great. They are what keep one group of people fighting to improve our economy, while others yell from the sidelines that we not forget to worry about equal rights and saving Big Bird. We live in one giant, 300 million people-strong system of checks and balances.

And every four years we get the chance to vote out the bum who's doing a bad job. But don't forget that even though you think the bum is doing a bad job, a lot of other people think he's doing fine, or at least better than the other bum would do. And that's OK. That's democracy. It's messy and it's what we signed on for.

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