Walter White is invincible. Walter White knows how to do all the things. Walter White forgives you. Walter White has become such a megalomaniac that the next step is referring to himself in the third person.
The season premiere of Breaking Bad starts out in the future, when Walter White has become "Mr. Lambert" from New Hampshire. How long in the future? At least as long as it takes Bald Walter to grow a full head of hair and a healthy beard. He's eating at Denny's and celebrating Mr. Lambert's 52nd birthday and leaving $100 tips to friendly waitresses named Lucy. And he's buying big, scary guns from strange men in the bathroom. As we do.
Back in "real time," just after Gus got his face blown off by Tio, Walter is busy getting rid of evidence and engaging in his favorite pastime, peering into open trunks. He gets rid of bomb-making paraphernalia and whatnot and the lily-of-the-valley plant and, well, you get it. You probably did all of this stuff last Saturday night.
Skyler comes home from Marie and Hank's house, because now that Gus is dead, her family is safe. But she's still scared of Walter, which is the mark of a healthy romantic relationship (for further evidence see "Joffrey and Sansa" or "Bella and Edward"). Skyler can expect a heaping helping of humiliation in the future or maybe a vampire baby. Either way she wins.
Hank is still sticking his nose into stuff he shouldn't be sticking his nose into if he knows what's good for him.
Mike has chickens. Jesse...is there.
But this whole thing, this whole episode, is about Walter learning to do thing thing we all try to teach our young children to do. Walter White is learning to BELIEVE IN HIMSELF. It's lovely, really.
When Skyler wants to know what happened to Gus, Walt replies, "I won."
When Junior's all excited about his hero Uncle Hank, Walt looks pissy.
When Mike wants to run and hide, Walter wants to destroy the evidence so they can stay put.
When Mike wonders how Walt knows their magnet plan worked, Walter says, "Because I say so."
When Saul wants to get out of business with Walt, Walt tells him, "We're done when I say we're done."
And when Skyler tells Walt about Ted and insists that Ted will keep quiet, Walter gives her the creepiest of creepy gross hugs and says, "I forgive you."
So, really, what Breaking Bad boils down to is that too much self-esteem is bad. Every time you give a child a trophy for participating in a soccer tournament, you're creating a little future Walter White. And if you let your child dabble in science, someday he will become a chemistry teacher who cooks meth. I mean, it's right there. Breaking Bad is a cautionary tale for our times.
Where's this all going? Well, if you stayed through the first commercial break of the horrible television show just following Breaking Bad on AMC, you saw that Walter, Jesse, and Mike are going into business together. Walt is fixing to become the new drug kingpin of the greater New Mexico area. That's the big time, folks.
This season is shaping up to deal with some VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
- What is Hank going to dig out of the rubble?
- Will Jesse and Mike stick with Walt, or will they team up against him?
- Will Skyler stick by Walt?
- Will Baby White ever learn to move, or will she spend her entire life in a crib or car seat or stroller?
- Will Ted really keep quiet?
- Was that Mitt Romney's bank account number in the Caymans behind Gus's photograph?
- How will Walt make himself look cool in front of his son? A leather jacket? An earring?
- Who's going to end up smoking the poison cigarette? Somebody has to, right? Chekhov's gun and all.
Best Lines of the Night (All go to Mike, who was on fire)
- "Wendell doesn't eat, nobody eats," to his chickens
- "Keys, scumbag. It's the universal symbol for 'keys.'"
- "I can see a lot of outcomes to this thing, and not one of them involves Miller Time."
What did you think of the season premiere of Breaking Bad?