The titular Garden of Bones refers to the land outside the city of Qarth (the city that has replaced Vaes Dothrak in the opening credits). The people of Qarth don't take kindly to strangers, even if one of those strangers is the Mother of Dragons. Dany has been traveling over deserts looking for buddies to help her build an army. She's starting to grow balls befitting a Dothraki khaleesi, but she's not there yet. And I'm already bored talking about her storyline. Basically she's doing a lot of traveling on sand while making nervous faces. One guy from the summer isles has agreed to be her friend.
Here are the people we followed around last night:
Robb, King in the North: Robb hates fart jokes. Absolutely hates them. So he sics his wolf, Grey Wind, on the offending Lannister bannerman, and starts a whole epic battle that ends with five Lannisters dead for every northman. He meets a girl on the field named Alyssa maybe? From, like, Volantis, I want to say? I missed it (I blame wine), and I'm pretty sure this girl is not in the books. Perhaps she's replacing another girl in the book, but I won't get into that at this point, because spoilers.
Joffrey, King on the Iron Throne: Joffrey Baratheon does not want your whores, Uncle. Tyrion and Bronn may think Joffrey needs his pipes cleaned, so to speak, but all anyone is gonna end up cleaning is blood off of Joffrey's 850 count Dornish cotton sheets. Joffrey is in a particularly pissy mood thanks to Robb Stark and his army and Tyrion and his "decency," stopping Ser Meryn from further embarrassing/hurting poor Sansa. And when Joffrey gets angry...people DIE!
Renly, King of Parties and Good Times: Stannis the Mediocre finally landed on the shores of Renly's Good Time Party Brigade. And so did Littlefinger, for some reason. That man gets around. Everybody wants Renly to turn in his totally awesome stag crown, but Renny boy just ain't havin' it! He has a giant army right over by there ready to fight for him! He has Loras the greatest fighter in all the world on his side! He is Renly, hear him roar, bitches!
Stannis, King of Sour Faces: But you know what Renly doesn't have? A lady friend who gives birth to shadows. We don't know what Shadow Spawn is going to do yet, but I'm sure it will be something spectacular. (I totally already know what it is. Y'all have to read the books.)
- This episode veered pretty far away from the books in parts. Normally I feel all smug, like, "Duh, I totally know who that is and what's about to happen," but in order to both condense an 800 page novel into 10 one hour episodes while fleshing out the characters we don't see a ton of in the books, the writers have had to switch some things around. So far, I think the choices they have made have been both logical and beneficial. Many, many kudos to The Powers That Be behind the television show.
- Hound Sighting! I have made no secret of my love for Sandor Clegane (really, I probably care about this character way more than the TV show wants me to). He got to look mildly concerned while Sansa was being beaten and mildly sympathetic when Joffrey was walking into Tyrion's whore trap. Well done, Hound! You are my T-Dog.
- I think random girl possibly named Alyssa is right. All of these men are fighting over the throne, or worried about ousting Joffrey from it, but none of them knows what he wants to do when the throne is finally empty. Reminds me a bit of Mockingjay.
- Hot Pie pissed himself. The indignity!
- Also, Tywin Lannister showed up at Harrenhal instead of whatever mid-level lord-type really shows up there in Book 2. Good move bringing Tywin into the forefront of the story. Arya is now his cup bringer. Won't be long until he's added to her nightly death prayer.
- The Mountain and the other guys at Harrenhal are very concerned about finding "the brotherhood." None of the villagers seem to know what in frak's name they're talking about.
- Renly thinks a man without friends is a man without power. Stannis counters that a man without a woman who can push a shadow baby out of her hoo-ha should probably shut the frug up.
- Stannis is also a grammar nazi, which is so hot. Stannis for President!
What did you think of this episode of Game of Thrones?