To My Daughter on Her First Birthday

Dear Baby Cookies,

This is not one of those letters espousing general rules for living your life like, "Don't listen to your friends.  Date that nerdy tuba player if you want to.  Someday you'll be rich and fabulous and they'll be knocked up at 19 and divorced by 24."  Maybe someday I'll write you one of those letters so you can ignore it, but today's letter is much more focused.  Today I am writing about a problem you will hopefully have to deal with for years and years and decades and decades to come.

I don't know if you've noticed, but your birthday is pretty close to Christmas.

But guess what.  So's mine!  And I just want you to know that as long as I'm around, I will protect your birthday with my life.  There will be no Christmas wrapping paper on your presents.  There will be no joint gifts (unless said gift is just that remarkable).  If someone schedules a holiday party on your birthday, I will bring a birthday cake screaming the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COOKIES" to that party.

People are going to pity you and your pre-Christmas birthday.  You'll always get looks, like, "You poor thing."  But you and I, we'll know the secret.  The secret is: Having your birthday right before Christmas is ALL KINDS OF AWESOME.  Here's why:

  1. A barrage of presents.  Your family members love you and they will want to buy you many things.  Your birthday will only benefit from your father not knowing when to stop at Toys R Us.
  2. Christmas Break!  Your birthday will always fall right when everyone is getting out of school.  This was most beneficial when I was in college.  Everyone was done with finals and ready to party IN CELEBRATION OF YOU.  This mentality resulted in some pretty debauched shenanigans about which I promise never to tell you.
  3. Sales!  Let's say you get a bunch of gift cards for your birthday and Christmas.  Or you get a bunch of stuff you want to return.  Well, everything in the stores is on sale December 26, so you can essentially double your loot.

So, really, having your birthday right before Christmas is not all that bad.  Now, those poor saps born after Christmas?  Well, sucks to be them.
Love forever, my fellow Sagittarius!
Nee Nee

Filed under: News & Views

Tags: Christmas, Kids, Parents

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