Thank you to Noel of Monsters of Television, I can't not think of the word REVENGE in all caps. Can't be done.
Also, it's kind of strange and, to some extent, refreshing to be writing a recap about a show with so little subtext after spending so many weeks writing about Breaking Bad. REVENGE just kind of lays it all out there. This person makes evil faces! Evil! This person stares at people suspiciously! Suspicious! This guy was not at all interesting on Gossip Girl! Still not interesting on REVENGE!
So what happened in the episode known as...INTRIGUE!?!
Things. Things happened. But not a lot of REVENGE. And that's good. Because, just like The Walking Dead should cool it on the Zombie Surprises every few episodes, so should REVENGE take an occasional vacation from REVENGE.
Here's your story:
OMG! Lydia's...Not Dead: Good. Because we're still not done with Amber Valetta's sad little character. I hope she comes back at the most inopportune time for either Conrad or Emilanda with some crazy-style brain damage and a Dr. Kimberly Shaw Mancini scar on her noggin.
The most interesting things to come out of the whole Lydia situation were Nolan and Emilanda's reactions to her injury. Nolan, he of few social skills, actually felt bad for Lydia and was concerned that Frank had attempted to murder her (seemingly). Emilanda was all, "Ain't my problem," and washed her hands of it. She is definitely starting to lose her humanity. The only thing keeping her from sliding into sociopathic territory is Jack. Jack reminds her that there is an Amanda buried somewhere underneath all that Emily.
Emilanda saw Lydia's accident and Frank's involvement in it as an opportunity to take down the security guard in order to...get access to dude-bro Tyler? Is that really the reason she was so keen on getting to Frank? Did I miss something? Is Frank Tyler's gatekeeper? Anyway. No matter. Emilanda sent one of her special popup emails to Conrad, showing him what actually happened in Lydia's apartment. Conrad fired Frank. Frank got angry. Conrad gave Victoria a gun (this will come back later, no doubt). And Frank became a crazy, creepy stalker who now knows that Nolan was inside Lydia's apartment at some point that night. Frank thinks Nolan is somehow working for Conrad. Which, come on. Nolan works for no man.
- I really hope that somewhere along the line British party planner girl and dude-bro frat friend get dead. I'm putting that on my wish list for Santa.
- What is dude-bro's deal, anyway? Is it just that he's hot for Daniel? Is it some kind of Talented Mr. Ripley situation? Is someone going to get his head bashed in with a bust from the Graysons' art collection?
- Eric van der Woodsen and the Grayson daughter are so tedious. Just reveal that she's not Conrad Grayson's real daughter and have him cut her off from his money so these two jamokes can move to New Jersey and live in bland anonymity for all eternity.
- I mean, Gossip Girl (whose Long Island accent just keeps getting thicker and thicker) poached lobsters. And he tried to sell them on the black market instead of, you know, just cooking a fancy lobster dinner for his girl on the boat. Moran.
- Daniel saved Gossip Girl from the angry lobster catchers. This makes it two times that Daniel has bailed out one of the poors. This will come back to haunt Jack. Book it.
- I know "the universe" wants us to want Jack and Emilanda together, but I can't help shipping her and Nolan. He's like Logan Echolls + Sheldon Cooper, which is both regular wrong and wrongly hot.
- Note to all the world's gentlemen: If you want to profess your love to a girl who's already dating the son of a gazillionaire, do not do it in front of CGI fireworks.
What did y'all think?