1. Blah blah blah trite dialog blah blah blah going on the road blah blah blah zombies blah blah blah Shane and Lori being stupid blah blah blah T-Dog. Amirite?
Basically. Last season we left our merry band of survivors outside the blown-to-bits CDC, ready to hit the road in a car, an RV, and a motorcycle. And that's basically where we caught up with them this season. Well, kind of. Rick was on top of a building in Atlanta, which has been taken over by feral dogs (spooky) since the mass zombie exodus of 2010. Rick was on his trusty talkie, trying to get ahold of his friend Morgan one more time, and trying to remind us of things we'd forgotten about since last October.
2. Like what?
Like Morgan, for instance. Where the hell is that guy? Also, I had forgotten that Jim Carrey's frenemy from The Truman Show whispered something to Rick Grimes before he died. Probably the same thing Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johannssen at the end of Tune in Tokyo: A Film. Was Rick Grimes also on top of the same building where they had left Merle to die? And isn't Merle still such a terribly bitchin' name?
3. So when Rick finally tore himself away from the walkie-talkie, what happened?
They set off on the road again, this time to Camp Annette Bening. The military felt bad that she didn't win the Oscar for The Kids Are All Right, so they named a base after her. Kind of sweet, really. So the little caravan ran into all kinds of expected trouble. First there was the part where their vehicles miraculously turned to CGI while escaping the ruins of Atlanta. Then they ran into a tipped-over semi barricade. Then the RV started wheezing and coughing and Dale had to jump out and fix it.
4. And then the zombies came.
Almost. First, the crew noticed that the cars lining the highway were filled with treasures like water and weaponry. So, score. But Lori got all conscious-y and wondered if they were complete jackwangs for becoming grave robbers. Low Rent Jamie Lee Curtis gave her a slap and said, "Bitch, please. These folks are dead and this shirt is FABULOUS."
5. And then the zombies came.
Yes and it was hilarious. Rick and Dale were on the lookout for the zombies. They both had binoculars or telescopes or something else science-y that makes you see gooder. And they saw one zombie. And then another zombie. And then sixteen more. And then Rick took the telescope off his face and realized that -- Ho Lee Shit -- the zombies were all up on their asses. Like, right up on them. Rick smacked himself on the forehead because he had been looking out of the wrong end of the telescope and thought the zombies were farther away than they seemed. Objects in little end of the telescope may be closer than they appear, my friend.
6. Who got eaten?
Well, nobody of course. People in the main cast can't just get eaten by zombies (as Andy Daglas mentioned in our podcast, which I am working feverishly to post). Only guest stars are disposable. And children. They age too quickly, a la Lost's Walt. Kids. Get rid of 'em. And that's what The Walking Dead is trying to do.
7. Say what now?
They're trying to get rid of the children. Sophia (Low Rent Jamie Lee Curtis's daughter) ran off into the woods and is now missing. Daryl and Rick Grimes thought she might have been eaten by a zombie, but no. It was just a woodchuck. And then after his father took him zombie hunting in the woods, little Carl got taken down by some hunters along with Bambi's mother. And, from the looks of the season preview at the end of the episode, it looks like Carl might not make it.
8. Wow. Carl got shot?
He did. And it was a good thing, too, because his presence was just driving a wedge between his mother and Shane, her attempted rapist. She doesn't give a frak about the sexual assault, people. She just wants her attacker/possibly-dead-husband-rebound boning partner to be nice to her kid. Is that freaking too much to ask?
9. What else do I need to know?
Andrea the Blonde Lady has turned into quite the gun nut. She wants to off herself on her own terms without any zombie teeth up in her dermis. So you know she's totally going to get bitten at some point and Dale is going to have to pop her in the noggin. With her own gun, probably. Shane is planning on branching off on his own and Andrea wants to go with him, so expect sexytimes before either of them is killed.
10. You're really kind of snarky about this show. Do you even like it?
Herm...I...want to like it. But the show is lacking something for me for it. I want better dialog. I want better characters. I want everything to not be so serious all the time. I want fewer zombies used to better effect. I want everyone to stay in one place for a while so we (and they) can get our/their bearings until the shit really hits the fan. I want the golf episode of Lost. It looks like the show will be introducing some Others next week, so who knows? Maybe I'll get my wishes. Lord knows The Others really spiced things up when they showed up on Lost.
- There was a lot of religion happening in this episode, a lot of talk about faith and prayer and purpose, which could add a new level of depth to the show.
- As long as people don't continue praying out loud all the time. That's just annoying.
- Also annoying? The constant omniscient point of view that never really brings us into the psyche of any of the characters. I feel like I still don't know any of these people as people. Maybe some flashbacks are warranted, like Lost? Why do I need this show to be Lost?
- Oh, poor T-Dog tore his arm on something and is losing a lot of blood. I only mention this because I know you care so deeply for T-Dog.
- When the zombies were passing Rick and everyone hiding under the cars, why didn't the zombies smell them? Isn't that a thing? The zombies can smell the living?
- There were a lot of screwdrivers used as weapons in this episode. If this were Breaking Bad, the episode would've been titled "Screwdriver."
- Is zombie-itis only passed through saliva, not blood? Because Andrea had a couple pints of zombie blood on her face and didn't seemed concerned about it in the slightest.
- Daryl is a badass. That just needed to be stated. With a little more sass, he could be this show's Sawyer, but right now he's even less interesting than Michael.
- The dead body in the tent was wearing a "There's no excuse for domestic violence" button. Trivia.
What did you think of The Walking Dead? Am I way off base and this show is already perfect? Why is every show disappointing me ever since the Season 4 finale of Breaking Bad?