'True Blood' Sucks (and Not Just the Vampires)

I made the mistake of watching back to back True Bloods last night, after neglecting to watch the penultimate episode all week long.  That's (as Pam would say) "too much precious fairy vagina" for any one human.

Also, after the ouster of Antonia and the murders of Marcus and Mrs. Dursley last week, this episode just seemed like the tacked on end of a Scream movie.  Unnecessary.  Except for two very important things:

  1. SCOTT MOTHERFRAKKING FOLEY.  Is Scott Foley joining the cast next year as Terry's war buddy?  Is this just a ploy by Alan Ball to get me personally to tune in next year?
  2. And Tara's dead?  I mean, Debbie-Do shot her in the head and she was unresponsive and there was a pool of blood on the floor, but is she really dead?  Is THIS just a ploy by Alan Ball to get me personally to tune in next year?

Other important things:

  1. LaffayMarnie killed Jesus, who is now a ghost.
  2. Everyone's a ghost now.  Rene's a ghost (and Arlene's a medium?)  So, just because Tommy's dead and Tara may be dead, don't expect it to be the last we've seen of them.  Balls.
  3. Jason and Jessica are officially fuck buddies.  Good for them.
  4. Fairy boning has given Andy new special powers with the ladies and Murlotte's Wiccan is impervious to his charms.
  5. Bill and Eric are totally over Sookie and now they're BFFAEAEAEAE because they're vampires and will totally live forever.  It's just like the time Slater and Zack decided to stop pursuing Kelly Kapowski and joined forces into one unstoppable union of Jheri curled mullets and brick phones.
  6. Eric called Nan's minions "gay storm troopers," and it just felt forced.
  7. Jason's post-coital look is a Miller Lite pillow covering his nads.

Things  you probably need to know for next season (You know, if you choose to return for next season):

  • Russell's back.  Somebody dug him up and Alcide knows all about it and Sookie should just get with him (Alcide) already, amirite?
  • The preacher man is back and he's a vampire and Jason should just get with him already, amialsorite?
  • Nan's dead and now, apparently, Eric and King Billium the Boring are now the head vampires of all the world and they should just get with each other already, youknowimrite.
  • Tara's maybe dead.  But you know she's totally not.  Or she's a zombie.  Arlene and Terry alluded to zombies earlier in the episode, which means zombies next year.  Zombie Tara.  Zombie Tommy.  It's the stuff of nightmares, and not for the reasons you think.

So this season of shifters and witches and warlocks is over.  Did the presence of Scott Foley entice you enough to return next year, or is it too little, too late?

Filed under: TV, TV Recaps

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  • I love True Blood; however, the last episode was just wrong. The final 10 minutes of the last episode should have been tacked on to the previous episode. It's like he made 11 really great episodes. However, HBO wanted 12! So, Alan Ball scrapped all the crap off the floor, taped it together, and tada, the season finale was born.

  • In reply to David W. Quinn:

    I think you're being very kind to this season :)

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    I'm even lost on your preliminary breakdown...I couldn't even make it that far in;

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