1. You're back?
I never left. However, with traveling and all the new TV shows (and, you know, sleep), I wasn't able to catch up on Breaking Bad until yesterday afternoon. But, boy howdy, was I glad that didn't watch "Salud" until about five hours before "Crawl Space's" air time. Less time to fret about whether Mike and Gus were dead men.
2. Were they?
They were not. Somehow Gus and Mike in their injured states were able to direct Jesse through the Mexican desert to a makeshift hospital complete with impressive hospital thingies (including extra blood and Jesse's complete medical history) you'd see on only the best TV medical shows. The head ER doctor ran to the car as it pulled up, dragged Gus from the back seat, and wheeled him into the sterile graffitied garage to safety.
3. What about Mike?
Oh, the doctors just left him there. Gus was the boss man who paid all those folks' salaries, so he was the one who would get the first medical treatment. Jesse, however, couldn't just leave Mike sitting there, so he dragged him into the ER area and eventually the doctor got around to helping Mike. His injury is pretty bad, though, so he'll have to stay in Mexico for a week. Don't cry for Mike Erhmantrout. He needed a good vacation anyway.
4. So then Gus and Jesse boarded the mini-plane again and headed home?
You know that they did not. There are lots of ways into Mexico, but only one way out. They were going to have to walk to the Texican boarder and a friend of Gus would drive them home from there. Gus tells Jesse on the way that he did well at the cartel mansion. He no longer needs the skinny bag of bones and baggage known as Walter White. He could be big in the meth cooking business, flying in fancy planes to all of the drug cartels in Central and South America teaching chemists how to clean up their labs and cook the bluest blue meth ever known to man. But Jesse was all, "Hold up, chicken man. You flatter me, and you did nearly sacrifice yourself for my safety (or, really for revenge against your enemy, but who's counting), but this show has nothing if it does not have my unflinching loyalty to a high school chemistry teacher who once gave me a D+ on a pop quiz about lab safety. So, Gussy, you must not kill Walter White. You must fire him, pay him off, and let him go. Because if this crazy, tighty-whitey-wearing man winds up soaking in a barrel of hydrofluoric acid, I will no longer cook meth for you. I will not. No matter how much you threaten me or my girlfriend and her kid. No matter how much you flatter me, no matter how many mugs you give me with the words '#1 Meth Chef' on them."
5. So what does Gus say?
What does Gus ever say? Nothing. He and Jesse take off walking through the desert...and right past Uncle Dingle Bell's nursing home. Of course. A whole country of roads and desert and of course Gus's path takes them right past Uncle Dingle Bell's place. They stop in there and Gus shoves it in the old man's face that his whole cartel is dead and his grandson is dead and his family line dies when Uncle Dingle's bell dingles for the last time. This leaves Dingle Bell so distraught he can't even dingle. He just sits there shaking, looking into the face of Jesse Pinkman, the man who murdered his entire family. And the chicken man and his employee go on their way.
6. What's Walt been doing through this whole thing?
Just cookin' up a storm under the watchful eye of Strong Silent Type. Walt's been trying so hard to do the right thing for everybody ("right thing" being subjective here, considering the "right thing" often includes corpse disposal and meth cooking). He tells Strong Silent Type that Hank wants to check out the laundry factory. He worries for Jesse's safety. He worries for Hank's safety. He even gets in a car accident on purpose just to keep Hank from going to the laundry building.
7. Walter is a big one for car destruction.
He sure is.
8. Strong Silent Type couldn't have been too happy about Hank sniffing around the laundry facility.
He could not. Just to prove to Walt who's the boss (Mona, obviously), SST sneaks Walter into the lab in a basket full of dirty clothes that didn't need to be dirty.
9. So what does Gus do?
Gus gets back to New Mexico and does exactly what Jesse asks him to do. He has SST taser Walt before putting a black sack over his head and dragging him out to the middle of the desert (Jesse never said anything about "Don't torture Walter White"). There Gus tells Walt that he's fired. He never wants to see Walt again. He never wants Walt to see Jesse again. Walt's all, " “Or else you’ll do what? Kill me? If you could kill me, I’d already be dead. But you can’t. You can’t kill me. Because Jesse wouldn’t cook for you if you did.” "For now," says Gus.
10. So now Walter goes home to be with his family and live out his days as a bored, old retired meth cook and everything is all better?
Of course not. There's still the Hank matter. Walt asks Gus not to kill Hank. Gus says stuff needs to get done, and he tells Walter if he tries to interfere and save Hank's life, then Gus will kill Walter's wife and son and tiny infant baby daughter.
11. So Walter runs home, gets a new identity, grabs his family, and runs off into the sunset of safety?
Right. Well, that's what he wanted to have happen. But that's where the little matter of Skyler and her boss comes into play. You know how Skyler gave him upwards of $617,000 to pay off the IRS? Well, he used that money to lease a Mercedes and jump start his old business. He did not use the money to pay off the IRS.
12. He doesn't care about going to jail as long as he has a fancy car to drive? What is this guy's problem?
Exactly. I am sure Skyler was having many regrets during this time about letting this man do things to her in the past with his dingle bell. So Skyler goes over to his house and offers to pay him more and then tries to force him to write the check, but he won't do it. In fact, he writes her a check for the money so she'll just take her tainted gambling money and go away (which, ohmygod, she should have just done!).
13. But Skyler won't just go away?
She can't. She calls Saul, as people are wont to do in these kinds of situations, and he calls in his goons to force Ted to sign the check, which Ted does. But then he falls in a freak accident ("an act of God") and dies. But the goons still put the money in the mail, despite Ted's demise. So now all of Walter's meth savings are in an envelope on its way to the IRS and he can't afford to pay the $125,000 X 4 to save his family.
14. What about Hank?
Oh, yeah. Walt asked Saul to call in a tip to the police to tell them about a threat on Hank's life. He asked Saul to give him an hour to get his family out of the house. But that hour went pretty quickly, and by the end of the episode, Marie was calling to tell Skyler how somebody wants to kill Hank. And then the show ended with Walter lying under the house, framed by the door in the floor, laughing maniacally, waiting for Strong Silent Type to come and stick his children in barrels of hydrofluoric acid.
15. How are they going to get out of this situation?
I have no frakking clue. I'm done guessing about this show. I'm always wrong.