True Blood literally surprised me two whole times last night, two whole times where I went, "Whoa, did not see that coming." Good on you, True Blood. Good on you.
And! Shockingly, we saw a couple of fringe (read: tedious) story lines actually tie themselves into the greater narrative of the season. So, congratulations, Arlene and Sam's shifter babe. You're back in the game!
Here's what went down:
Three's Company: Jess and Jason, besides having such cute alliterative names, are also bonded together forever by blood and moonlight chats about werepanthers. So, when Jess broke through her silver, killed a guard, and stepped out in the light, Jason was there to save her. And kiss her and hug her and love her and silver her all back up. Deputy Jason saw the guard that Jess had killed in her fit of necromancer-induced fury, but he was all, "'S'okay, I guess. No big deal. Just a dead man. I don't see nothing."
Then later on Jess went back home to Hoyt and broke up with him. And he turned into a metaphorical pile of vampire Jell-O slime, which totally turned Jess off, so she rammed his face into the kitchen countertop and killed him. And then bloody Jess went out to Jason's pickup truck for sexytimes. Except no! It was just a dream! You had me, True Blood, I will admit it. It's like I've never watched TV before.
But then Jess REALLY went home to see Hoyt and she broke up with him. But he wasn't sad. He was angry with the rage of a thousand Antoniae. And he banished Jess from his house FOREVER.
So Jess went to Jason's house, but apparently in his world it's bros before blood sucking 'hos, and he kicked her out of his house. Where will Jess go now? Probably King Bill's palace. Or the bathroom at Fangtasia. Maybe she should hook up with Tommy dressed as Mrs. Fortenberry to play out some kind of angry vampire sex fantasy? That's probably what will happen.
Two's a Crowd: Sookie and Eric spent almost the entire episode hooked on each other's blood. It was annoying, except that we were treated to the sight of naked Eric lying in bed with a furry blanket over his Johnson, like a giant merkin.
After they got over themselves, Eric tried to get Sooks to run away with him, but she was all, "Herm...If I go, the show ends, right? I don't want the show to end. I'd better make like Tara and stick around past my usefulness." So she and Eric buddied up with Bill to fight the witches.
One is the Loneliest Number: Debbie wants to be in a pack. She so desperately wants to be in a pack. So she and Alcide went to the werewolf BBQ and became besties with head honcho Marcus, who looks like a guy I would avoid at any bar, train station, or children's park. Marcus is super impressed with Alcide. For now. Marcus doesn't yet know about Alcide's love for a certain fairy who fancies herself some vampires. Marcus hates vampires! And he knows that vampires are strong and can kill the werewolves and he wants Alcide to stay the frak away from the vamps and Sookie and all that jazz.
Just imagine how angry Marcus is going to be when Debbie tells him that Alcide jumped into the vampire fight to save Sookie. It's going to be like that time Marcus caught Sam "eating breakfast" with Marcus's ex-wife and daughter times a million. (Also, did not see it coming that Marcus was Luna's ex. What is wrong with me?)
The End: Bill met Mrs. Dursley in the graveyard and each of them brought backup, which was against the rules. Bill tried to make a deal with Dursley, and she agreed, but Sookie used her mind reading power and discovered that Dursley was chanting a spell in her mind. So all hell broke loose. Sookie got wounded in the gut, but Alcide was on hand to save her. Antonia cast another spell on Eric, making him her "servus," which is Latin for slave.
- Sam can forgive Tommy for killing their parents, but he can't forgive him for duping Luna. Now we know where Sam's priorities lie.
- Andy is so hooked on V that he actually contemplates eating Buelah's dead vamp Jell-O right off the ground.
- Andy ponders the question on all our minds: "Jesus Tits in God America, Jason, what is wrong with me?"
- One second Tara feels bad for vamps. The next second she's all, "Kill the vamps!" Shut up, Tara.
- Pam almost shut Tara up for good, but Bill stopped her. Will this one vampire act of kindness change Tara's mind about vamps forever? I'm lit'rally on the edge of my seat.
- Oh, yeah, Tommy skin walked as Hoyt's mom. Seeing him/her order food at Murlotte's was the best thing the Tommy character's done in ever.
- The Cajun ghost lady who's been hanging around Arlene's baby is now inside Lafayette. She was also done wrong by a man, but the man who did her wrong was a married white guy with whom she was having an affair. And who knocked her up and then killed the baby. Now she thinks Mikey is her baby and is forcing him to play with the dirty, scary baby doll.
- Best Marcus lines: "Yo, don't be a fuckin' moron," "Yeah, well, I got a feeling he plays Barbies all by himself," and "You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend." That guy's a quip machine.
- Jason's immediate reaction to kicking Jess out of his house: Pushups.
What did you think of the episode? How much do you want to see a Bosom Buddies-esque spin-off featuring Lafayette and Tommy?