Last night’s True Blood was all about clubs and cliques and hazing. It was like Animal House! I mean literally. There were a lot of animals and also some houses.
Here are the best fraternities Bon Temps has to offer:
Panther Pride: The Hot Shot based club is very exclusive, and the hazing is extensive. First they make you spend a few hours locked in their air conditioner (AKA the freezer), then they tie you to a rusty old bed, then they tease you with naked ladies, and then they let the naked ladies and their husbands eat your innards. Then, and only then, do you get to be a Panther.
Wiccan Wicca What?: The Bon Temps witches will take pretty much anyone into their club, as long as you’re willing to hold hands with Mrs. Dursley. If you’re not willing, then she will turn into a psycho, Latin-chanting hose beast and she will erase your memory, Eric Northman. Other requirements to be a witch: A willingness to diddle King Billium of Looziana (No thanks. I’m out.), a burning desire to bring dead things back to life, and being Lafayette doesn’t hurt.
Fangtasia Faction: The folks at the hottest, sexiest family friendly bloodletting emporium in the country will accept absolutely anyone into their club (provided real and true blood pumps through your veins), but not everyone will accept the vampires.
Protesting Posse: The sign-wielding citizens parked outside of Fangtasia will accept you into their group if you are a God-fearing Christian person who is willing to worship the false idol that is the TV preacher with the wife who once got the Jason Stackhouse treatment. They will not accept you if you are a person who does what Jesus really would’ve done and loves everyone for who they are, differences be damned.
Shapeshifter Sorority: The Shapeshifters are the feel good club in Bon Temps. They can turn even the saddest sad gray dog man into a smiling, flirting, brother-forgiving mo-fo. Requirements: A willingness to get naked in front of others for the purpose of changing yourself into a honey badger; wine-imbibing is a plus, but not required. Proposed amendments to the Shapeshifter credo: They’re considering maybe killing some people so they can morph into human beings, the ultimate in shape-shifting. Methinks I smell a merger between the ‘Shifties and the Witches.
Student Government: Those Bon Temps-ians who are too square for the monster frats can join President Nan and King Bill in their attempts to
screw every living person in the county integrate all the groups into one glorious, happy, vampire-accepting community.
- We were treated to some Bill backstory tonight, complete with British accent. Nan caught Bill not killing a bartender in the back of an ‘80s British punk club and that’s how the two of them joined forces.
- And together they killed Queen Sophie Ann, the act that made Bill the king of Louisiana.
- Now that Bill has the power, will it corrupt him? Is he just going to be another Russell?
- Tara’s back home, and absolutely no one cares. Sookie even ditched her about six minutes after Tara surprised her at Eric’s new house.
- For some reason, when Sookie first saw Tara back in Bon Temps, she looked like the Scary Fairies. Frankly, I probably would’ve rather seen the Scary Fairies than Tara.
- Arlene’s boy Mikey either is an honest to goodness demon child or the thought of him being a demon child has given Arlene a brain aneurism.
- I could’ve just looked on Wikipedia, but now I finally know what a necromancer is. Thanks, True Blood!
- Eric is about to be quite dangerous to Sookie. He has no memory of the fact that he has sworn to protect her. He owns her house. He’s going to try to eat her face.
- Fun Fact: Louis Pasteur is a vampire.
- Funner Fact: Gratuitous Eric pecs!
- “I’ll see to it that gets repaired,” Eric acting as Sookie’s benevolent landlord.
- “Let them practice their constitutional right to be fuckin’ idiots,” Pam talking about the annoying (but legal) protesters outside of Fangtasia.
- “People don’t get to be as beautiful as you are without having a story to tell,” Sam’s pickup line to the sexy shapeshifting teacher he’s hot for.
- “I’ve never been accused of being overly light before,” Lafayette.
- “You want a friend to smell, smell your own,” Sam to Tommy, who likes the aroma of Luna the hot shapeshifting teacher.
- “Clean yourself up. You’re covered in queen,” Nan to Bill after they turned Sophie Ann to Jell-O.
What did you think of last night’s episode?