Gary Cole, Mrs. Dursley, foxy boxing. The season premiere of True Blood had it all. Here's where the first episode of season four found everyone:
Time Jump: The first several seasons happened in quick succession. This season fast forwards us a full year and a couple of weeks. So there have been changes. Big ones.
Sookie: Sookie went to Fairyland at the end of season three, and that's where we met up with her last night. She ran into some old friends like Barry the Bellhop and her Granddaddy Earl, played by the aforementioned Gary Cole. Because Sookie is so much smarter than all the other fairy humans, she knew better than to eat the glowing fruit called "lumiere." Because she felt oogie about eating the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast. That's just cruel.
Anywhoodles, Sookie got a chance to talk to her grandpa one...last...time. Gramps thought he had been in Fairyland for only a week, until Sookie had to bust his bubble and tell him, "No, dude. You've been here for twenty years." He was like, "What? How did Cheers end? Did Sam choose Diane or Rebecca?" And Sookie was all, "Neither of them. He chose the bar. But that's not important right now. Right now, we have to haul ass away from these oppressive fairies who are turning into ugly trolls and this glowing fruit that is crawling with maggots."
And then Sookie and Mr. Brady jumped into a deep black hole and they ended up in the cemetery and then grandpa died, but not before giving Sookie his gold pocket watch to give to Jason so that he would have tangible truth that Sookie was not lying about being in Fairyland which, what? So much crazy shit happens on this show, why wouldn't he believe that his sister was abducted by her fairy godmother? But of course he didn't, so the watch helped. Thanks, Gary Cole.
What else about Sookie? She goes back home, and Jason has sold her house to some conglomerate called AIK. What does AIK stand for? OMG? Suspicious. But Sookie decides to squat in her old home until the new owner comes to kick her out. Which he does. We'll get to that later, of course.
Beeeeuuuulll: Bill ran to Sookie as soon as he vampire felt her return home. He seemed like the same old Beeeeuuuulll to us, lame and possessive. But no. He is no longer Beeeuuuulll, the swoony non-sparkly vamp. He's Bill, the take charge vampire of the people. He's working with the Bon Temps Chamber of Commerce, run by one Portia Bellefleur, who pretty much got all the looks in the Bellefleur family (Sorry, Andy and Terry). And, now that Russell is dead and the queen is hopefully a rotting pile of Jell-O in a crystal candy dish, Bill is now King William the Pale. And he does favors for the local witches. Sexual favors, I'm guessing. This is not TV, y'all, this is HBO.
Eric: Eric has become the face of your friendly neighborhood vampire, which, duh. Why wasn't Eric always the face of vampirical society? He's their best one. He's turned Fangtasia into, basically, the local Fuddruckers.
What else has Eric done? What...else...? Oh, yeah. He bought Sookie's house. He was the mysterious AIK, which I'm guessing stands for...I don't even know. I need a second cup of coffee. You folks make your guesses in the comments. So, Eric bought the house and now he owns Sookie because the house owns her. Girlfriend can't just move to a condo in town or something or live in Hot Shot with the cougars and Jason.
Jason: Speaking of Jason, he's now a full-fledged police guy. Or so it seems. He might have just appointed himself to the position since Sheriff Andy Bellefleur is all hopped up on V all the time. And Jason is still trying to help those mangy folks out at Hot Shot. (I thought we were done with them?) And for all his help, all he got was locked in a freezer. Poor Jase.
Tara: Tara is now Toni from Atlanta. She's a foxy boxer and a newly appointed lesbian. And the less said about her, the better.
Arlene and Terry: They're married and they have a lovely little half-Arlene/half-Rene toddler son who likes to decapitate Barbies.
Lafayette: He's still with his nurse witch (I want to see that movie, Nurse Witch. Like Teen Witch, but all grown up in sensible shoes). Nurse Witch is trying to get Lafayette to join his coven. Mrs. Dursley is in his coven, so I'm not sure why Lafayette hasn't crossed his T's and dotted his I's on that coven contract yet. Maybe because she acts crazy and talks to dead people from Lafayette's past and resurrects dead birds that crash into Laffy's lap? I don't know. All I know is...Harry Potter!
Jessica and Hoyt: They're living together and bickering cutely over food problems. Jess don't eat, and Hoyt just wishes she'd cook him some eggs once in a while. It's like The Odd Couple! Or Will & Grace. But Hoyt's blood is not enough for Jessica. She needs skanky fang banger blood from her local vampire bar.
- The fairy world sucks, but it's still better than Tara.
- John's comment when I posited that maybe Jason was a fairy too: "Everybody's something." That is some deep, deep stuff for a Sunday night.
- The head fairy's name is Mab. Mab? (Thanks to Danielle, who informed me it's "Maab," like a fairy from Shakespeare. I is educated.)
- Because of Sookie's alleged murder, Bon Temps lost out on the Louisiana safety award. Sheriff Andy shouts at her when she returns: "You owe me a plaque!"
- Lafayette is rocking a mohawk this year. Adjust your hairstyles accordingly.
- Fun Terry Fact: He used to put squirrel heads on lizard bodies and invent new animals.
- Eric's line to entice humans into Fangtasia: "We're always more than happy to serve people here at Fangtasia, and I don't mean for dinner."
- Sam is looking more gray and wan than usual, but he's made some new shape-shifter friends. And the less said about them, the better.
- Tommy is now besties with Mama Hoyt? Is that right? Did I see that?
- Bill has a thing for Portia the Bellefleur lawyer? Or Portia has a thing for Bill? Either way, this thing will become a thing eventually.
- The Hot Shot kids use their freezer as their air conditioner. And as a prison cell for Deputy Jason Stackhouse.
- Eric's words to Sookie: "Sookie, you are mine." And when Eric says, "You are mine," you say, "Yes, Mr. Northman," and you let him suck your blood.
What did you think of the season premiere?