The Baffling Bloated Praise for 'Bridesmaids'

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I feel like I'm in some kind of modern retelling of The Emperor's New Clothes.  Why am I the only one who sees the truth here, that Bridesmaids is simply not a movie worthy of a 90% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes?

Why are the critics so afraid of saying anything negative at all about this movie?  It feels very patronizing, like, "Oh, this is a lady movie and we need to like this lady movie so all the ladies will get off our backs about never promoting or producing any lady movies.  We're throwing you a bone here, ladies (Ha ha, bone).  Now you can sit back and watch us blow shit up for the rest of the summer."

Some critics really overstated the importance of this film (A-HEM, TIME Magazine's Mary F. Polls, who had this to say about the film: "This might be a turning point in feminism and comedy, provided that both sexes can embrace it.")  

Bridesmaids is not Schindler's List, people.  It features a scene in which a woman takes a frakking crap in a bridal salon sink, for Zeus's sake.  

The film itself is not the worst thing I've ever seen.  I mean, I did see Something Borrowed last week.  Bridesmaids is definitely better than that movie, but that's kind of like saying, "Sure CSI: Miami is better than watching a chimpanzee spread his boogers over a brick wall for an hour."  Maybe that's a bad analogy.  I'm sure there's a YouTubing contingent out there who would love to watch the monkey video.

But that's kind of the problem with Bridesmaids.  It tries really, really hard to appeal to the booger-spreading-chimp-watching contingent of the population, which is fine, if that's the intention of the entire film.  But I don't think that was the initial intention of the ladies behind Bridesmaids.  All of the broad humor seems thrown in to punch up the energy of the film or whatever, but it feels forced and like it only exists to appease the lowest common denominator.

Also, Kristen Wiig's character is a mess.  What is she?  In most scenes she's a doormat who can't even keep her roommates from wearing her clothes, but then all of a sudden, while working at her sad little job, she's calling a teenager "See You Next Tuesday."  She has way too many meltdowns throughout the course of the film.  All of her pent up frustration should've been saved for the shower scene where she could finally let loose.

I enjoyed Megan, Melissa McCarthy's character, when she first introduced herself to Wiig's character, but then the film just devolved her into the stereotypical big gross over-sexualized lady.  Oooh, look at her with those giant calves hitting on a man!  Who does she think she is?  

And of course there's a random unnecessary girl-on-girl smooch.  Of course there is.  You knew there would be.

So, yeah.  Girls, here's your lady movie for the year.  It's not that good or consistent.  The plot is thinner than rice paper.  It's too long, yet it ends oddly abruptly.  But it has SIX WHOLE VAGINAS in it!  Grab your lady friends, pour yourself a Cosmo, and drop your $10 on the theater like it's hot!  

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