By Julie - Hammervision,
March 10, 2011 at 9:28 pm
1. During the opening montage featuring clips from the performance show, did the producers match up each clip with some random positive judge feedback just to make it seem like every single Idol gave a stellar performance?
2. I thought so. Let's talk clothes. What was happening sartorially in the IdolDome tonight?
Well, Steven Tyler was wearing a leopard print lined housecoat that he stole off of the back of the chicest and oldest Beverly Hills madam. Jennifer Lopez's shirt had one amoeba-like sleeve that was trying to devour her entire body. Oh, and Jacob was wearing what appeared to be a denim-patterned pleather Member's Only jacket.
3. There were like 40 people on stage tonight and you only thought to comment on what three of them were wearing?
I was too taken by how Seacrest seems to be morphing into Richard Blais. It's distracting. Because I haven't yet had the chance to watch this week's Top Chef: All-Stars and it's killing me.
4. Fine. But what happened to Casey!?!?!???!11!@@?@? He's in the hospital!
Tummy trouble, apparently. For the second time in as many weeks. Someone needs to lay off of Single Latina Female's tamales when back at the Idol mansion (take that in whatever way you'd like to).
5. Speaking of the Idol mansion.
I know! Could you die?
6. I sure could. It's ri-wang-ulous.
Nice. It's like a tacky disco version of Daddy Warbucks's house. It has a closet that requires the use of a ladder. That is my life goal. To have such a large closet that I could possibly fall and break my neck in the process of navigating it.
7. And a Ford Mustang pool table! I want one of those. Speaking of Ford...What about the Ford Music Video?
We're skipping over the opening number?
8. I just saw a good segue and I took it.
OK. The Ford Music Video was completely forgettable. Remember when they used to sing actual songs during the Ford Music Videos?
9. Barely. Now you can talk about the opening group number.
Gladly. That crap was whack. The goal of a performance should be to make the audience lose itself in the music. The goal should not be to encourage the audience to play a game of "Lip Synching/Not Lip Synching" throughout the course of the number.
10. Who was lip synching?
Definitely Pia, Karen, Ashthon, and Stefano. I'm pretty sure Deej and Shambert were live. Did the Idols get to choose whether or not they would sing live? The result was a very distracting, very uneven performance by the Final Baker's Dozen (Minus Casey, of course. Respect).
11. What was the Corporate Synergy Cross Promotion outing of the week?
The Little Red Riding Hood premiere. Nothing much of note happened at the red carpet event except...SIRIUS BLACK ZMOTHGHEEEEE!
12. What was that?
Don't make me repeat it.
13. Can we get to results yet?
We sure can. Seacrest dumped Single Latina Female into the bottom three and then, out of nowhere, sent Ashthon and Haley over to the silver chairs of doom without even acknowledging half of the contestants.
14. Has that ever happened before? Has Seacrest ever announced the bottom three without making each and every one of the Idols sweat it out at center stage?
15. Wowza. Idol history in the making. Anything else?
Adam Lambert performed, and performed well. He was like, "Suck on this, Shambert," with all of his screams and his '80s lady businessperson hair. Then Diddy Something Something performed with some people and I took a nap.
16. Um...who got kicked off?
Sorry. Duh. Ashthon. She sang for her life, but the judges opted not to save her.
17. Wait. Hold up. They're still doing the judges' save thing?
18. Morons. The judges' save is the worst. What garbage song is playing over the bootees' exit packages this year?
A David Cook blah-rock version of "Don't You Forget About Me."
19. That's just disrespectful to the memory of John Hughes.
Hammervision is movies. Hammervision is TV. Hammervision is the creative byproduct of a marriage built on a mutual love of all things popular culture. John and Julie Hammerle have been watching movies together since Face/Off was in the theaters. John is an attorney at a Chicago law firm. Julie is not. They have two kids and a dog named Indiana.
Email at hammervision[AT]gmail[DOT]com