15 Questions About the American Idol Results Show


Paul McDonald - "Rocket Man"


1. The American Idol Powers That Be are just so proud of their little manufactured drama from last week, aren't they?

They so are.  They can't stop talking about it.  "Look upon us, America!  We saved Seth Rogen from obscurity for the next one to ten weeks!  Bow to us!  Bow to us as we make your Thursday night results show that has no business being a whole hour long doubly exciting!  There will be, like, 30 seconds more excitement packed into the programming!  Enjoy your weekly Will.i.am concert!" 
2. They do realize that losing Casey Abrams would not have been a tragedy along the lines of losing, say, Chris Daughtry or sexy Michael Johns, right?
I think they do realize that, yes, but they don't believe we real 'Merikans understand that Seth Rogen is nothing more than a marginally talented beard enthusiast and that Idol itself created the hype surrounding Red Beard.  It didn't happen naturally, like the grassroots campaign to make Stefano the new American Idol that I started...just now.

3. But they calmed down a bit with the hyperbole, right?  

Of course.  Not.  In the beginning of the show, some big huge scary-fonted letters popped up on screen shouting, "And you won't believe who is going home..."  There are only two contestants remaining in the competition for whom their ousters could be labeled "shocking," Baby Lockthemdoors or Deej.  That's it.  Anyone else, it's like, "Whatever. Pass the pepperoni sauce."
4. Let's get the group song discussion out of the way, shall we?
The jokes on you, imaginary person who asks me questions about such things!  There was no group song!  There were just a couple of duets, a trio, and a quartet.  And all the kids sang live!  It was amazing...that Idol allowed ten unseasoned teenagers and Jacob Lusk to hold live microphones in their hands.  
5. Who sang with whom?
Baby Lockthemdoors and Deej were paired up, which made sense because A) Country Music 4-EVA! and B) they both kind of seem like the outcasts of the house.  Or maybe it's just in my imagination that everyone else in the house ostracizes them.  Naima and Mrs. Klump sang "Solid as a Rock," which just reminded me of this: 

6. Thanks for that.
You're welcome.  The remaining three girls performed some Katy Perry joint and taught us all why Pia chooses not to sing uptempo songs. And Thia wasn't even given a solo.  And then the boys performed the saddest version of "Band on the Run" ever.  Aw.  Adorable!
7. Ford Music Video!
Yippee!  The video tonight totally made me have a Toyota Moment (Which means...what?  I had trouble braking?) because the Idols actually got to perform a song I'd heard of.  That "Kryptonite" song by that band from back in the day, the day being, like, 1999.  The Idols threw around some gargoyles, which, of course, made me think of this video.
8. Seriously.  Thank you for that.  That is one of the greatest TV moments of all time.
You're more than welcome.  We need these little moments of levity to help us survive a million months of Idol.  
9. Who showed up to sing for us tonight?
The Old Idol slot was filled by Fantasia, who sang about collard greens and cornbread and who wore a one-size-too-small Jessica Rabbit dress and a sweet roll on her head.  I don't know how she sounded.  I was too focused on cornbread and collard greens.  And pepperoni sauce.  Of course.
10. Damn you, Mike Isabella!
Exactly.  
11.  Who else performed?
Will.i.am was there again because he shows up every week.  I picture him just knocking on the studio door on Monday morning, like, "Hey.  I'm here."  And Seacrest answers and goes, "Hey...um...Oscar winner Jamie Foxx is here...you...wanna sing with him?"  Will.i.am responds, "I guess so."  And then he takes the stage with a full battery of dancers dressed like a 1980s Eastern European gymnastics team.
12. Who was in our bottom three, America?
No big surprises.  Naima, Thia, and Paul took their seats on the silver stools of doom.  Naima and Thia got the boot.  I'll miss Naima, because at least she was interesting.  I will miss Thia because I just love insipid ballads so, so much.
13. Anything else?
Shambert received a WWE championship belt replica in the mail.  It's sparkly.  Kris Allen was in the house.  Oh, and that Howie Mandel show is the stupidest thing I've ever seen (despite the presence of the fabulous Tabitha of Nap/Tab fame).  Is anyone in the entire world still impressed by a flash mob?  Was anyone ever legitimately impressed by a flash mob?  
14. Someone's Great Aunt Hilde, who's a shut-in?
Probably.  Oh!  One more thing.  Seacrest changed his hair from last night.  He no longer wants to look like a six-year-old boy.  Shame.  
15. Why are you holding up your finger?  You have something else to add?
John would like me to mention that Haley reminds him of Bobcat Goldthwait.
That is all.

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  • Solid as a Rock made me think of Arrested Development, which made me laugh out loud, which was as good as the show got for me.

  • In reply to Ashby:

    Actually, it made me think of AD first, but then I got "Solid as Barack" in my head, so I had to go with that.

    So thank you, Idol, for bringing to mind two fond "Solid as a Rock" memories! And not much else.

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