Soda is my drink of choice – one I've tried unsuccessfully to quit for years now. But – according to a new ad campaign from Coca-Cola that you can view above – perhaps I've been looking at its products wrong all these years. The company offers 180 low and no-calorie choices! It's a veritable fountain of healthiness and longlivitude!
Ah, Coca-Cola, you deceitful minx wrapped in sugary goodness, haven't you figured out yet that I don't love you for your effects on my health? No, my love, I adore the way you make my taste buds sing while causing me to feel all happy inside for about 15 minutes before my sugar crash and head-first collapse onto my keyboard.
mcfpacfmpsacmopw (Whoa. Sorry. Just had sugar not that long ago.)
I've tried to quit soda multiple times. In fact, in the fall, I successfully quit for three whole months. All it took, though, was one glass of the sweet nectar to get me back on the sugary wagon of bliss. Happily, I'm back to trying to reduce my sugar intake as I've stayed away from soda for TWO WHOLE DAYS. (I celebrated – of course – by having a sweet tea with lunch as I'm writing this.)
aejvnjnsvjnvvmop (Sorry. Last time.)
Where was I? Oh yes, the new Coca-Cola ad campaign – which it is referring to as "Coming Together." I get what Coca-Cola is trying to do – acting all uppity and healthy while still selling its wares. I just rather it would be honest instead.
A healthier ad campaign simply would be this: Coca-Cola – stop drinking so many of our products, you sugar-water gluttons!
However, that would reduce sales.
Instead, we get: Coca-Cola – some of our products are somewhat healthy, so buy up, you wonderful sugar-water gluttons, you!
And let's discuss those somewhat healthy drinks they're promoting. Some of them are bottled water. Some of them are Diet Coke. That's a fairly wide gulf of healthiness and longlivitude there. Sure, Diet Coke doesn't have any sugar in it. But it also tastes like you just swallowed a vat of sugary chemicals. Frankly, I don't know whether the stuff is bad or good for you – though some studies suggest that it promotes wanting more sugar throughout the day – but I do know that anything that tastes like a vat of sugary chemicals probably can't be called a "health drink."
As much as it wants you to think it is, Coca-Cola is not part of the "obesity solution." Water is part of the obesity solution. Exercise is part of the obesity solution. Consuming sweet-tasting drinks throughout the day that add little nutritional value is NOT part of the obesity solution. I'm glad we cleared this up.
If you want to enjoy a Coke now and then, I see nothing wrong with that. There are far worse things you can put in your body (like Legos). But don't try to trick us into believing you're something you're not, Coca-Cola, you sultry seller of sweetness.
I – for one – am not going to …
• Going for Gusto is a blog by Joe Grace. Columns, videos, lists and quick thoughts posted throughout the week. Send questions, comments and blog ideas to email@example.com. Like the Facebook page at Facebook.com/goingforgusto to keep up with all of the posts at Going For Gusto.
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