My wife and I were watching the NBA playoffs when a movie commercial began with a shot of the Lincoln Memorial before quickly cutting to someone portraying Abraham Lincoln.
Another biopic, maybe?
As the commercial continued, however, we realized this was no ordinary biopic as Abe was shown going axe crazy on a couple of scary-looking creatures. Then finally, the reveal: "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," coming soon (June 22) to a theater near you. Nothing goes quite as well with re-uniting a nation as a side plate of vampire hunting. I can't wait to see it.
My wife, on the other hand, looked on at the commercial in horror. She will not be going with me to the theaters.
But while I wait for the movie to come out, I thought it would be fun to think up other president-monster match-ups that would be worth exploring as sequels to "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter."
The following were my favorite ideas. Please share your ideas, as well, in the comment section.
1. "William Howard Taft vs. Godzilla"
The scenario: The year is 1910. All seems relatively peaceful within the United States. However, the peace breaks when a huge dinosaur-looking creature shows up San Francisco, breathing fire or ice or maybe some sort of acid Jell-O. I'm not really sure what huge dinosaur-looking creatures spew from their mouths. The U.S. has nothing that can take on this "Godzilla." Or, do they? Suddenly, William Howard Taft, our nation's largest-ever president – the Andre the Giant of White House residents – arrives on the scene, ready to duel the beast. After a fierce battle, Taft finally overwhelms Godzilla. The last shot is of Taft slowly heading west in the Pacific, possibly toward Japan?
2. "Theodore Roosevelt vs. Predator"
The scenario: It's 1898 and The Rough Riders have just won the Battle of San Juan in Cuba during the Spanish-American war. A group of a dozen or so of them decide to take the long way back to the ships to return to the U.S. Leading them is Col. Theodore Roosevelt. However, along the way they start to get picked off one-by-one by some alien-looking dude with dreadlocks they assume swam to Cuba from Jamaica. Eventually, the only person left is Theodore Roosevelt and some orphan kid he rescued along the way. The battle ensues and all seems lost when the Predator seemingly deals a fatal blow with a spear. Unfortunately for the Predator, Theodore Roosevelt is like a honey badger. "He don't even care!" Theodore Roosevelt removes the spear from his body and takes out the Predator with it. A Predator ship then lands and presents the victorious future U.S. president with a teddy bear, the ultimate memento of bloodthirstiness in Predator culture. Thus, a legend is born.
3. "Night of the Living Dead … and Woodrow Wilson"
The scenario: It's 1919. World War I has ended, but an even greater danger emerges to threaten American security: Zombies. The plague starts slowly, but soon spreads throughout Washington, D.C. There is one man, however, who can pull off looking dead well enough to infiltrate the zombies and take them out from the inside: President Woodrow Wilson. Wielding a machine gun in one hand and and a flamethrower in the other, Wilson vanquishes the zombie leaders that are controlling the masses. (This is a special group of zombies that have leaders. It's zombies. I can make up whatever I want.) While he unfortunately is bitten while taking out the zombies, happily nobody realizes he has turned into a zombie and Wilson is allowed to finish his term as U.S. president.
• Joe Grace is a writer and journalist who lives in Chicago with his wife. As a young boy, he successfully caught Freddy Krueger using nothing but a Pepsi can and a tree. True story. Write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.