...and now, a calming thought for Cubs fans

...and now, a calming thought for Cubs fans

Even though we are now part of the awesome Chicago Now blog network, we have out of town followers who may not be aware of what is going on in the entire Chicago sports scene, so this is more for them than anyone.

The founding premise of this blog when it was formed in the late lamented 2004 season was: that year the Cubs went all in (small a, small i) with their Five Aces pitching staff, and following the sheetstorm of the 2003 season, we all figured that either the Cubs would a) win it all that year, or b) not win it all, both of which would be followed by Apocalypses of varying scorched Earth impact, for various reasons.  Of course, they did not win, but the only resulting strife was the smashing of Sammy Sosa's boombox.  God's Wrath, of sorts, did occur on the North Side, but not until the end of 2006, and it wasn't really the End of the World, as much as it was a vulgar spending of money, and the righteous downfall that befell all that stride forth with excessive pride.

History will record that the offseason of 2011 will be a transitional time for the Cubs franchise, and yea there be much making of news and treading of new ground.  Will Theo Epstein come here, will Theo not come here?  Some of our more sensitive and feeble brethren may fear a Cubs apocalypse is nigh, but no.  It is not.  Please feel soothed, for there be no apocalypse here.  How do I know this?

Because there be a true Sports Apocalypse happening right this moment, no more than eight miles south of Wrigley Field.  For it is the White Sox, of the South Side and the American League, who are collapsing under a critical mass of self absorption, greed, failure, treachery, misplaced nostalgia and grief.  Let's look at the facts:

  • The GM thought it wise to bring in Jake Peavy, Alex Rios, and Adam Dunn for a combined salary commitment of about 70 trillion dollars, and none of them are worth a crap
  • The manager used up all the goodwill he had built up by bringing the city the only Worlds Championship it has enjoyed since 1908, decided perhaps as early as June that he was going to Miami in 2012, and mailed in his performance thereafter
  • The GM and the hitting coach had a fistfight on the team plane, yet the coach was allowed to stay around the team the rest of the year
  • The manager and his family have continued a family tradition that has gone on for many years; namely, the irresponsible tweeting of clubhouse business that ordinarily is never, ever released to the public
  • The pitching coach decides to overstep his manager, and begs his GM for a new contract during the middle of the season
  • The owner, who after having made billions over the course of his lifetime by being a hard-nosed sumbitch, is an utter sap when it comes to his baseball team, and employs intellectually challenged ex-jocks as coaches because they hit three homers in a game 32 years ago, thus not helping his manager succeed in the least.
  • The owner then extends the contract of said Special Olympian.  Soon after that, and with two games left in a truly disappointing season, the manager decides to get himself "fired", moans all over the Chicago TV, radio and newspapers that it wasn't his fault, then turns up the very next day in Miami to be announced as the new manager of the Marlins
  • The GM names the bench coach as the acting manager for the final two games.  Oops.  Like the bench coach wasn't going to Miami, also.  Never mind, bench coach.
  • After the season, many good names and fine managerial candidates who have paid dues in the game are listed and discussed.  However, the overly sentimental owner decides to hire another of his favorite ex-players, whose only coaching experience is a little hitting instruction for his kid's high school team.  The ex-player, now manager, admits he had to be convinced it was a good idea.
  • In the wake of this hiring from left field, the treacherous, self-serving actions of the pitching coach are revealed in print.  Said coach takes it upon himself to phone the sports radio station to deny all the accusations, but in his denials, he actually admits everything that was written about him.  Oh yes, in the process, he throws both his former manager and current GM under the bus.
  • UPDATE: Reinsdork considered Player-Manager Paulie Walnuts.  Wow!  Just, wow.
  • In conclusion, the Sox are probably going to let their best pitcher and face of the franchise go, but keep the three malingerers around.  Whoo, that's really gonna pack them in for 2012.

So, in conclusion kids, THAT's how you do a meltdown.  Us?  Orderly transition.  Smooth as glass.

Filed under: Cubs, Theo Epstein, White Sox

Tags: chicago cubs, cubs


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  • Thanks for making Cubs fans sound like rambling hate-filled idiots. The facts speak for themselves; there's no need to embelish it for weak attempts at comedy.

  • Go back to your Sox blogs: keep repeating "2005" over and over again like the proto-ethnic meatballs that you are.

    Oh yeah, stop peddling your meth in my neighborhood, dicklick.

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