*I have been thinking a lot lately about this blog. How I somewhat abandoned it because other things got in my space. But writing makes me happy. This blog was once something that felt glorious and exciting to me; I miss that feeling. I owe Jimmy Greenfield a big thank you for allowing me a platform to do something I love.
When I first started this blog, the great Jimmy Greenfield gave me some advice (Read: a lot of advice). This blog is not to be used as a diary. This blog's purpose is to communicate a message. I lost track of that message. I lost track of a lot of things. But I'm on my way back to finding them. I've come to realize it IS possible to recover the happy parts of yourself, but you have to confront some scary stuff. YO SELF.
The truth is I love writing. I started this blog as a way to do something I love. Most of the other things I love, I find time to do. I even do them when I'm supposed to be doing other things (like cleaning or grading)! So why have I found it hard to make time for this? Ah yes. Because lately I've been consumed by someone else's negativity. And I let it consume me in all senses of the word. It's just as much my fault as it is theirs for attempting to put their negativity on me.
This new post is step 1 of shedding that negativity.
You know the saying "Not to toot my own horn...."? Screw that. Toot it. I tooted it today. TOOT TOOT!
In the past few years, I've done a lot to make myself "better". I wanted to feel and look better. Soooo, enter 2015-2016 me. I got my own apartment. I found out who I was alone. I took some risks at work, and moved up the ladder a bit. I found a trainer, I changed my physique, I got healthy. I met someone and entered into a serious relationship. I went back to grad school. At one point, I realized I was doing TOO MUCH, so I took a step back and reprioritized myself.
And in that process, I found that I was giving up too much of myself for someone else. I lost track of my original goal: to be HAPPY
Somewhere along the line I thought making someone else happy would in turn make me happier. You cannot make someone else happy. You can be part of their happiness. But you are not responsible for it. The minute something or someone encroaches on your right/goal/dream of being happy, step back. Re-evaluate. Do you put yourself in situations that you add to your happiness, or are you in places that suck it right out of you? The minute someone told me I wasn't enough when I KNEW I was doing my best, I chose not to believe them. It took me MONTHS of hearing it for me to confront that lie.
Here is my current advice to me, future me, you and future you. You are enough. There will always be times where you can be better. But who you are is enough.
You can change. You are capable, hence the name of my blog. GO CHANGE. But revisit what's important to you.