- You stop sleeping, which makes you always tired. When you do sleep, it's full of nightmares (see aggressive dog nightmare later in post)
- Your eating habits don't exist. There is no habit to the madness.
- Your house is dirty. Dust.bunnies.everywhere. Nightmare inducing dust bunnies. Your boyfriend is concerned.
- You forget to respond to texts. Your parents send additional texts because they think you've gone MIA
- You to do list keeps getting longer. Crap from 2 weeks ago is still on there. That basket of laundry now weighs 100 pounds.
- Remember when you used to work out everyday? Barely. Then you work out again and feel like it's the first time you've ever worked out. And now your pants are tight. Insert expletive here. Work is coming first, all the time, everyday. When did I become like this?!
What I'm finding is that I do somehow make time to do everything, but I don't have time to do everything well. And I don't like that. I worked for upwards of 2 years to get my personal life in order. Get in shape, learn to take good care of myself, create a nice living space. Then I thought I had that under control, and I started to take on more at work.
PSYCH! Maintaining a healthy lifestyle takes work. You can't build it up and then let it go, hoping everything stays in place.
I was naive in thinking once I built this lifestyle, it would stay that way by sheer force of will. It takes continual attention.
I feel so torn because I feel like I've finally come into a work position that makes me happy. I'm being challenged professionally, and my brain loves it. I just have so much less time to make things happen at home. Personal things. Like grocery shop, workout regularly, scrub my bathtub. I'm manage to hold everything together at work, but when I get home, it's falling apart.
The feeling of anxiety used to be my strongest feeling each day. Now it's disappointment. I'm mostly just feeling pretty disappointed that I'm not the amazing multi-tasker I thought I once was. I have to let something go at work.
When self-care starts going by the wayside, it means you're taking on too much.
BTW, the real nightmare: dogs. I have an intense fear of dogs. I know many people have dogs, and many people love their dogs. I have a deeply rooted fear of MOST dogs. The kind of fear people have about heights or fire. I had a dream last night that I was walking to my car, put my hand on the door, and a massive dog was barking aggressively at me from the front seat of my car. I tried to look around for help, and realized the windows were open, dog glaring at me. Then I woke up to go to work...