The worst Doctor Who Christmas gift of all time

There are many, many holiday gift options for Doctor Who fans. The show is so massive that Whovians can find anything- a fish tank, toothbrush, even this potato peeler. Yeaaa, Time Lord merchandise has gotten weird.

As a Doctor Who fan for a decade, I possess MORE than my fair share of these things. Some are great, some are... not. I think I've finally found the worst piece of merch this side of Gallifrey.

Geeks, meet the Adipose Stress Toy. Cute? Fun? Screen-accurate? Nope, nope, aaaand nope. Here are five reasons that this toy should NOT be on your list this (or any) holiday:

 

1. It smells awful. A slew of Amazon reviews all say the same thing:

"[T]his little guy smells very badly of rubbery chemical-ness."

The smell isn't exclusive to the toy, either. Once you play with this Adipose, your hands reek of "rubbery chemical-ness," too.

 

2. It isn't the right color. While the shape and face of this creature look just like the show, the color is all wrong. The pictures of the product online must be promotional-only. The actual item is more of a sickly gray:

Hairy

 

3. It's sticky. You may have already discerned this fact from the previous image. Poor little Adipose only gets gray-er over time, thanks to its icky, sticky skin. This is what my Adipose looks like, even with regular cleanings:

IckyFeet

Despite sitting on my desk, never tampered with, my little alien is covered in dust. And crumbs. And general desk filth. Why is it sticky?? Who approves a product that's STICKY??

 

4. Cleaning and care are complicated. The Doctor Who fandom is really determined to love this toy, apparently. Amazon reviewers have created an unreasonably intense regimen that makes Adipose functional:

"Rinse in cold water, dry thoroughly (pay special attention to his little armpits) and then place him in a bag with a little cornstarch. Shake vigorously and then tap off the extra when you remove him... This also tames the smell a little bit."

No. NO. I will NOT go through a rigorous series of steps just because someone affiliated with the BBC released a disgustingly dysfunctional toy. Bleeeechhh!!

 

5. It isn't even a working stress toy. Many people have reported that this toy explodes if you squeeze it too hard. Stress toys are meant to be abused a bit. This Adipose simply can't handle the pressure. As you can see in this photo, mine already has a weak spot:

AdiposeSkull

I barely ever touch the thing, and it's ready to self-destruct. Thanks for nothing, Adipose.

 

So, buy your Doctor Who friends something else for Christmas. Buy them these imitation Uggs. Buy them this surprisingly creepy Dalek-Potato Head hybrid. Please, just don't waste your cash on a smelly, sticky, exploding non-stress toy.

Finally, to the Amazon reviewers who still gave this thing 5 stars- you deserve to have higher standards. You shouldn't pay such a substantial sum of money for crap, just because it says "Doctor Who." If you're looking for high-quality Adipose merch- it IS a cute alien- buy the plushie. I own it, and it has never betrayed me. <3

 

NEXT TIME: Pictures from Con Alt Delete!

Here's one more piece of advice: follow me. I'm on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe via e-mail. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

Leave a comment