Accidental Anal

It’s been a few years since I’ve written The G(ina)-Spot, and I’ve missed it.  I liked the writing and the ability to address a new topic each week.  But mostly I’ve missed having a platform to discuss all of the weird stories that people tell me.  Mind you, these raconteurs have every expectation (if not hope) that I’ll share these tales with a large audience.  So, here we are.  Welcome back to The G-Spot.  As always, thanks for reading.

I love nothing more than listening to the stories of those who are aggressively tackling the dating scene.  At this point I’ve been in a relationship for a few years, so I no longer have my own single life stories to keep me busy.  Also, being a relationship columnist puts me in the position of having to give advice.  I don’t mind, but you know what?  Sometimes I have no advice.  And sometimes?  I’m not qualified to provide advice. 

Such was the case a few months ago when a younger guy – a profuse and rampant dater – wanted to talk about one of his latest “friends.”

 He gently eased into his query: “So, what does it mean if a woman will have anal sex with you, but not regular sex?”

 A few things ran through my head.  First, I was very happy that I hadn’t been drinking anything when he asked that question.  Because I would have spit it out all over him.  Second, how the hell would I know??!!  I decided to employ the tactic that I use with my godchildren when they ask odd questions.

 I looked at him and reluctantly inquired: “Why do you ask?”

 He went on to say that he had been trying to date a woman who was embroiled in a long distance relationship.   She didn’t want to cheat on her boyfriend, but she enjoyed spending time with him, but wanted to keep it casual. 

 Knowing this guy, he’s very persistent and can be very charming when necessary.  Although he says they were just friends, I’m sure it was more like a friendship with aggressive seduction (bordering on molestation). 

They were watching a movie on his couch one night.  One thing led to another, after which she said that she doesn’t usually “do that” with most people.  He thought she meant that she doesn’t have sex with other guys while she’s in a relationship. 

 She corrected him:  “No, I mean I don’t usually have anal sex.”

 He was befuddled.  Had he been having anal sex??  He thought he had been having traditional sex.

As you might expect, I had several questions.  Most of them mechanical. 

“So . . . you were having anal sex and you didn’t realize it?”

He nodded his head yes.

“Okay.  Soooo . . . it didn’t feel, um, different?”

 He shook his head no.  This was getting nowhere.

“Alright, so were you being gentle? Or . . .?”

He interrupted and said: “No, I was hittin’ it!”  He began making violent hip thrusting gestures to emphasize his point.

I stopped him.  “So, let me get this straight.  What you’re telling me is that you had sex with a woman and, in the moment, you couldn’t tell the difference between the front door, and the back door?”  He nodded yes.  I went on to ask, “Wasn’t there any friction?  There wasn’t a different . . . uh . . . aroma?”

Gross, I know, but I had to ask.  Again, he shook his head no. 

I’m not really a dirty back road expert, but I imagine that when people are having anal, they KNOW they’re having anal.  The way I saw it there were a few options.  Either this guy was really small, or this woman’s poop-shoot was the circumference of a coffee mug. 

He was looking to me for an answer, while I was trying to figure out how what he had described was biologically possible. 

I suggested that perhaps she was the type that thought that anal sex wasn’t a form of cheating.  I shared with him my suspicion that, regardless of what she said, she spent a lotof time not cheating.  (Also, I find that whenever someone is adamant about what they “don’t usually do,” in reality they’re usually doing that very thing with staggering frequency.)

I didn’t really know what else to say.  There were so many problems .  . . on SO many levels.  But the good news about giving relationship advice is that it’s always a good idea to go back to basics.

I advised him that pursuing a woman who’s in a relationship was his first mistake.  If he called it off, he would no longer have to worry about having weird sex.  I think it was the best counsel I could provide.

He’s since had several dalliances with many other women, however I’m still haunted by the idea of accidental anal.  I guess it’s an occupational hazard.

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  • Well, there's an expression I never heard before. Good to have your column back, Gina.

  • Thanks, Jimmy!! :-) It's good to be back.

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