"You don't have to get there," said the yoga instructor as I was struggling to lean down far enough so my head could find its way to my knee. I suddenly stopped trying and sat up. I couldn't think for a moment. No one had ever said that to me before.
Of course I have to get there - the "A" in the class, the degree that opens doors, the promotion within reach, the salary I so richly deserve, the home I want, the car that is "me", the relationships I desire, the proper weight...the good person I want to be...I have to "get there!" What did she mean?
On the occasions I am sitting in what I call "a rich field", where I'm at an event with my beloved family and friends, and I can't seem to feel the joy that I should, I wonder why. Why does it sometimes feel like I'm behind the glass looking at someone else's life? After all, haven't I earned the right to be happy and enjoy all this grace and blessing? What gets in the way?
It turns out that trying to "get there" and feeling I have "earned" the right to my life is what is in the way. I find this out when I choose to meditate. It has to be a choice because the checklists in my head can be endless, from details of my daughter's play date prep to prompt client responses to social media communication.
I feel the weight of the level and amount of responsibility multiplied by the number of micro choices for each decision, such as, what color should I use for the background of that communication? Or does she want smoked or oven roasted turkey for lunch? When I finally allow myself to rest and sleep for more than five hours, I feel a hunger to meditate.
When I do, I try to "surrender entirely to Love." Soon I find myself struggling to sit in the perfect posture. After all, shouldn't I be entirely ready to entirely surrender? Ugh. Then I realize that perfection and the imagining that there is such a thing, is the very reason I have to meditate!
- Finally deciding that I can only surrender who I am, exactly as I am in my imperfections in the moment, my body suddenly feels lighter.
- Staying with my heart and listening into its faithful beating, I feel moved to lead with my heart...and I begin to cough. The congestion in front of my heart loosens its controlling grip.
- Then I release all the pictures and ideas of what I think I want in favor of what Love wants to reveal. Suddenly the tightness and holding patterns in my back let go. Meditation is allowing me to take off a whole physically contoured costume that I have been identifying as "me."
- I feel physically smaller - no longer the mighty tower of superwoman who works so hard not to miss a single responsibility and to assure she "gets there" - on time and under budget!
My breath returns me back to the beginning. The Truth that all of life is an illusion. Whenever I look too closely at my creations, illusions and attachments, I lean too far into a reality I have made. Then I forget that I am Author and author-ity in what I am presuming is real and worthy of the chase to "get there."
In 2013, perhaps we can all remember that we are rendered in and through Love, given the privilege of creating what we will. Then, when we close our eyes for a while and surrender, we can also remember that we don't have to "get there."
We only have to "be here."
Happy New Year!