This morning my daughter looked at me in the eye.. all serious. and asked me.. no TOLD me... "so this weekend is like vegas. And what happened there.. stays there.... right?"
I thought about it. "OF COURSE!" I told her. And now I'm writing my blog.
But don't worry. I will forever protect the guilty. Because I love these guilty little pleasure seekers. And nobody here is trying to be a nun, or married, or trying to be the next pope when this one quits. At least not yet. Give us another few weekends like this one and one of us might change our minds. But for now, no. Although I do feel the need for a moral cleansing.
Did you know if you meet the right people and are friendly enough you can get free botox and lip and cheek injections? Right in the comfort of your own hotel room. Did you know that? Well I do. And I owe it all to "Bill". From florida. With the flip flops. People are always asking me why I talk to perfect strangers.. okay.. people a.k.a. my kids... they hate it. But look how well it has paid off. I am sure I have had over two grand of work done on my face this weekend.. for FREE! I like to think of it as something I deserved after dishing out the outrageous amount I had to dish out for a bed at the Palmer House. Yes. A BED. Did I mention they f'd up our room so mom got to sleep on the rollaway. Not that any of us noticed. Especially not my 22 year old (yes she's now 22 and shouldn't be drinking like a newbie anymore). I think she slept in her clothes both nights. When I say slept, I mean of course flat on her face, laying on her arm in the middle of the bed needed for 4 people..,. how selfish is she?
I looked the other way when she was trying to fill up her bingo card. I remember 3 squares on the card... kiss a 20 something, a 30 something and a 40 something. Okay , so I do remember the other squares but I cannot tell. Afterall, I am trying to protect the guilty, remember? She may or may not had a blackout. YES, on the bingo card (okay, and off of the card too).
Why was hotel securtiy at my door 3 times this weekend? Telling ME at 8:00 a.m. on ST Patty's day that we were being too loud. Having too much fun. Seriously? It's time to wake up... and why were they back at 7:30 p.m. telling me that all my friends had to leave. Seriously? NO, THAT SMELL IS NOT COMING FROM OUR ROOM... look at me.. I'm a mom. Do I look like I would smoke something crazy right before getting botox? AS IF!!!
Somebody's ex boyfriend may or may not have gotten a good beating. Well deserved. Someone (maybe more than one) threw up. Someone may or may not have done something moral or immoral. See, doesn't it sound like Vegas?
I need to reiterate to you all, never ever stick your hand close to a drunk mans face as his girlfriend is trying to push him up into their apartment. You may or may not get bit. And bandaids are not that easy to find among a million drunks. Also you should refrain from sticking your hand into someone's McDonald's bag to steal a fry. People protect their french fries to the death!! And who needs coffee when you can meet someone in the hotel lobby at 7:00 a.m. and get a good morning kiss, sans toothpaste.
Have any of you ever had to put a drunk woman on a bike taxi at 1:00 in the afternoon? And hope to GOD she quits biting you on top of your scalp?
And why is frozen pizza served at a bar the BEST tasting pizza ever? And why do we all eat it like our last meal and burn the roofs of our mouths piece after piece? And how many bottles of tequila are too many bottles of tequila?
I have pictures. But for sure I cannot share them with you. Oh I want to. But I won't. Remember I am protecting the guilty. Which is what any good best friend/ mother/ adult would do, right?
All I can say is who needs Vegas when you got the streets of Chicago as your playground. That's all I'm saying...... okay, I am also saying I am tired as hell, I am so glad to be home safe, my kids are all home safe, nobody had to go into detox and I am so glad birthday's and St. Patty's day come once a year! Okay I am also glad that my face doesn't look like Meryl Streeps in Death becomes her, so my best friend can stop googling where to find flesh colored spray paint!
Filed under: Uncategorized