With Valentine's Day just around the corner and the look of love in every Jewel, Osco, Target and Walmart, I am trying so hard to get a grip on love, or the loss of it.
"Why you so mad this weekend?"
That was a text I got at 1:15 a.m. today. From my ex. I haven't responded for lack of anything intelligent to say to an unintelligent question. I know he is referring to the facebook message I left him. It had something to do with Chris Brown, Rhianna and forgiveness. And I might have thrown in the word douchebag somewhere.
Okay, so no I wasn't beaten and nobody is going to counseling (although I am starting to think it might be a good idea for me). But we are still two people who were entwined in each other's everyday lives that are no longer entangled at all. And I am still hurt, confused and now majorly pissed off about this whole ordeal. I honestly with every fiber in me thought this was my forever. That I was going to be with this man (and I now have to use that word very loosely when referring to him) FOREVER.
Now it seems that the only thing I am going to have of a forever with him, is forever wondering how he could be such a jerk? Such a liar? Such a waste of my time. I know its wrong to think of relationships as a waste of anybody's time. And I don't really feel that way. Because it was quite honestly some of the best times of my life. Even after all we have been through, well, after all he has PUT ME through, I still look back fondly on this man. Although I don't want to. At all. I want to hate him. I want to feel the loathing for him that all my friends and family thinks he deserves. Yet for some reason, I can't. And that's where the pissed off mood comes in. See, I'm not pissed at HIM, I am pissed at myself.
I am mad at myself for reasons I honestly can't control. For calling him daily after he dumped me. For writing him daily after he dumped me. For texting him several times a day after he dumped me. For needing to know what happened and why it happened. For needing to know how you seem to love someone one day and then by lunch the next day he is telling you he doesn't want you anymore. I am mad at myself for crying so many tears. Wasting my tears. I am mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. I am mad at myself for thinking I wasn't good enough for this man. I am mad at myself for losing so much sleep over this man. I am mad at myself for giving him all this power. I am mad at myself for thinking this is the only man in a world of 3,376,791,855 men.
And I don't want to be mad anymore.
It's time to forgive. Forgive myself for being a poor judge of character. Forgive myself for being in a one sided relationship. Forgive myself for being human. It's the season of love and I am choosing to love me again and quit being pissed off at myself. Three months is long enough to hold a grudge against someone, especially yourself.
I'm going to go buy myself some valentine's chocolate. No, that would be dumb. Then I am just going to be pissed at myself for eating it all in one night.
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