Okay here goes. Don't judge. I have been wanting to share this with you for almost two months now. I have a secret life. I have an addiction.. yes another one. It's called PLENTY OF FISH.com. Okay I think they changed the name to POF now. I personally like to call it PUDDLE of FISH. I am about to get mean. And I know it. But it really is funny people. I swear. Sure I feel a little bad for the really lonely and desperate people out there trying like hell to find Mr. or Mrs. right. With the touch of a keystroke. But you know me, I still need to laugh at most of it.
I joined this website because I was crushed, humiliated and devastated when my boyfriend, who was supposed to be the love of my life, broke up with me for someone 20 years younger. HUMILIATED when I caught them at his place that Sunday morning as I was going over there to surprise him. Okay let me get back on track here. POF. The Puddle. Someone suggest I join to meet people so I could get out of my funk.
I don't have a large social circle. I was a stay at home mom for over 10 years so why would I? My social circle revolved around other moms with small children who only can get together once a month for scrapbooking and chocolate martinis. And let's face it.. who the F scrapbooks anymore? So anyway.. basically I found myself sitting home every other weekend when my kids were with their father. So I thought, I'm not going to pay for a guy to want to meet me online.. so I will join this free POF website.
At first I was so excited. I got about 50 messages in my first day. And one by one I had to open them. I was like a kid in a candy store. Or so I thought. And then that's when things got depressing. I had to wonder to myself.. did I say I like to hunt and fish? Did I say I like men who wear cut off tshirts showing me their hairy arms with tatoos all over them? DID I SAY I LIKE TO HUNT AND FISH? I mean, why wouldn't I respond to you when you say you are an educator and in your profile you can't even spell CARONA? (it's corona... how am I going to count on you to be the brains of the operation if you can't even spell the word for mexican piss?)
Are you aware of how many men there are out there looking for true love? Well if true love is me riding their face. I kid you not. I have had opening lines referring to that specific thing. Of course I am writing you back to take me on a date because your face is the one place I have been wanting to visit and haven't had the chance. I have had men tell me they love me. Yes. Love me. After seeing 5 pictures of me and reading that I am newly single and looking to expand my social life. Never once did I mention LOOKING FOR LOVE. (Okay I know that's what we are all deep down looking for but shhhhhh!)
I have probably opened 300 messages in the two months I have been on this website. That's why I have renamed it THE PUDDLE. I have had 21 year olds ask me if I want to rub a younger man. I have had 18 year olds tell me they have the house to themselves and I should come over. WTF? To do what? Play with your new leggo set? I have had 60 year olds tell me they think we have alot in common. Okay. Decisions decisions. There is a part of me that wants to take the little boys up on their offers just to show my ex that I too can wade in the kiddie pool. There is NO part of me that wants to sit in the kiddie pool with grandpa.
I have managed to acquire a nice collection of photos. It's a shame I can't share some of them with you. Did you know most men take photos of themselves in the mirror holding the phone, with their shirt off? Yes always with their shirts off. I have a couple of them in underwear. A few with their dogs (sorry that is wierd to me) and some even have posed with their ex significant other. At least I hope it's their ex! Some guys post pictures of groups of them with their friends, and I guess I am supposed to figure out which one is them. I haven't figured that game out yet. Another personal favorite is the pictures of a fish being gutted by you. You big strong man! All of this messaging and picture viewing is taking hours and hours. It has come to the point now where I just log on for amusement. I know.. mean right? But SERIOUSLY guys... get with the program. Is it that hard to go through your pictures and pick one stunning good lighting photo? Maybe I need to write to you just to show you how it's done. To hold the camera for you and clean you up a little. You know, so you can really meet Mrs. Right.
Don't write me and tell me you want me to dominate you and be my bitch. I don't remember saying anything remotely agressive in my profile. And if I don't write you back then don't write me a hate mail telling me I am a tease or that you must be too ugly for anyone to want and you are ending it all. Don't you dare put that on ME! I can't believe how many guys have such low self esteems because someone in clown makeup didn't respond to them.
I am sure there are just as many crazy women on this site as men. NO, DON"T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY! I am just sharing my experience.. and wanted to share a little of my addiction. I don't even go on this website anymore looking to meet quality people. Don't get me wrong, I have met a few that seem like normal human beings that I can carry on an intelligent conversation with. But the majority seem to not have much to say. When all you can muster up the courage to say in an online message to me is "HI".. thats it.. "HI".. then I probably won't be responding. Unless you are holding up a beer in a coozie. Then maybe HI will get you somewhere with me. Maybe. Because maybe after 12 of those super coozie beers I will be gutting a fish while riding your face. You never know.
Oh one more funny about this whole dating website thing, I actually saw my old neighbor and my ex in a group photo that was sent to me by someone wanting to meet me. That was priceless! And then sad. And all so real. Sorta like when you wake up next to the crack pipe. I think.
**for the record I have gone out on one internet date and surprisingly enough I waded into the part of the puddle that had the good fish**
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