It's that time again.. birthday month. I was going through my things reflecting on yet another year, and came across something I wrote a year and a half ago. I sound so different from the person I am today. It's interesting to go back and read about your life. Even a short 20 months in a life can seem like eons. The reason I say I sound so different is because now I actually own lingerie and wear it! With heels! (Okay not really, but I could) It's amazing how when your kids finallly get out of the "I need you every minute of my precious little life" phase you can find yourself again. With a little help from friends.
My midlife senses kicked in awhile back. Looking around my home one day, as the hamburger helper was bubbling on the stove, I realized how unhappy and unloved I was. I was with a man I knew wouldn't take care of me if I became bed ridden,. I knew he wouldn't change my poopy pants if I needed him to because he didn't love me. Nor I him. So I took a leap of faith in myself, and moved out.
I am a nervous wreck. I have been for over a month. A friend of mine who takes photographs wanted to do something wonderful for me as I ventured out into the unknown. I guess a boudair shoot is something all the cool over 40 crowd moms are doing.
So I am having some pictures taken of myself... just for myself. Some private pictures that I can look at and think "hey, I was a little sexy in a squint your eye quirky kind of way".
How did I get here? Two months ago I was sitting in my big home making dinner for my kids and my psuedo husband. Miserable on the inside. But safe. Now I'm sitting here waiting for my PHOTOGRAPHER to get here.. sitting in my stupid bra and underwear with a big ole wool sweater over them. And sock monkey slippers. I have no idea what I am doing
As I was preparing for this day, I was looking through my lingerie... to pick out some outfits to wear, and what do you know? I have NO lingerie. OMG! I realized I haven't even worn anything sexy around the bedroom for about .. um.. 10 years! Pretty much since I started sleeping with babies the second time around. Toddlers don't need to see my peek a boob while Im taking their temperature in the middle of the night. And it's best to have "crotches" in my panties when getting bubbas at 3 in the morning. I know my kids are now older,, much, but I guess the boxers and dago T's kinda stuck. (and please nobody take offense to that word.. I dont know what else to call them... wife beater? better? )
So I decide to do what any mom of a 20 year old does. Raid her closet. And oh the goodies I found in there! Im not sure why she has these things. I know she has never worn them for anyone. NOT my daughter. She is as pure as the freshly fallen snow. She is probably just saving them for her wedding night.
I try them all on. And the most shocking thing is.. is that they fit! Okay, the boobs are a little big, but everything else zipped and snapped. Of course I couldn't take a breath, but I am hoping the photo session goes fast. And I wont need to breathe.
It was quite interesting to see myself in these things. At this age. Once I put the thigh high stockings on, it wasn't half bad. They camouflage 40 something legs very well.
I am hoping the photos will be in black and white and I wont see any of them until they are airbrushed, photo shoppped and blurred.
Im very excited to do this. A little anxious and shy, but this is a time in my life to try new things and get a little crazy. My life doesnt feel like my own right now anyway, so what better time to do it.
Its better I do it now, then when I am fifty something.. although I think older women are getting hotter and hotter for some reason. I dont think 25 years ago my mom would have raided my closet for unmentionables!! Women are definitely holding onto their youth alot longer these days. And I am one of them who is clutching til my knuckles are WHITE!
Anyway, I'm glad to be doing this. But If I was in my 20's I would definitely do this. Im thinking of having my daughter do this. Afterall , she already has the wardrobe for it. She might as well use them for something, you know.. since she has no other use for these things, you know, being so pure.
So we made an arrangement. Thats why I'm sitting here waiting for my photo shoot. She told me we need lots of natural light. Have you "older" gals looked at yourself in natural light lately? You though flourescents were bad! At least under those you can blame the man made ugly lighting. Sunlight is God's natural light.. everything should be beautiful under it. I am living proof. it;s not.
Oh well. I'm just gonna go with it. And have fun. And listen to Rhianna tell me to drink to that. And hope for at least one good picture out of this. That's all I ask.
So everyone. get out this weekend and have your picture taken in the sunlight. It's good for the soul. Yes. That's it. GOOD FOR THE SOUL!
***I did the shoot and it was so awesome that I talked some of my girlfriends into doing it too, and my now 21 year old, but that doesn't count because when you are that young everything looks perfect in any light anyway. Thanks Lindsay... I haven't forgotten what you did for my tramped on little soul.