lying bandits

Why is it that some people have a deep rooted need to lie?

Oh sure,  I lie.  But not about anything important.  Just little stuff.  You know, to avoid phone calls, lunch dates.  Simple things like that.

I just had the most interesting lie told to me this morning.  Actually it is still going on at this moment.  As I type.  As I rehash it over and over in my head.

I would love to share this story with you.  Some of you might get a kick out of it.   Others might pity.  Me or the liar.  Some might even say it's not  a lie.  I will let you judge.

Of course it involves the age old story of a man and woman in a relationship.  An apparent one sided relationship.  Which there are SO MANY of them out there.

Okay.  Here goes.

I was at, oh let's call him Lucifer,  yes I was at Lucifer's house.  So I had just woken up from a nice cuddly night together.  After bringing him his favorite raspberry pie from Shaws.  Yes. A WHOLE pie.  I know... how sweet am I?

Anyway, Lucifer had to work today.  I mean, it's Sunday.  So of course he has to work.  I got up.  And looked in the nightstand dresser drawer like I always do.  You see it's where he keeps his condoms.  And there have been 6.. yes 6.. in there for the past year.  I have my reasons for looking in there.  And for the past year they have all been in there exactly how they are supposed to be. Unopened.  Collecting dust.  Because we were at the staget in our year long relationship where we didn't need to use these anymore.   So I open the drawer.. and YES.. da da da..... then there were four.

I immediately text Lucifer and tell him it's over and blah blah blah.  I get a reply that is so innocent sounding.  "What are you talking about?".   This is going to have to be resolved in another manner.. Texting just wont do.  It will give him too much time to think.   So I call him.  I can almost smell the sweet smell of the raspberries from the night before through the phone line.

Over and over again he tells me he has no clue whats going on and that he loves me. He has done nothing but work and sleep. Blah blah blah.

So the inner investigator.. a.k.a. WOMAN.. in me has to snoop some more.  Because I don't believe him.  Not one iota.

I think.. hmmm.. they had to throw them away somewhere.  So I look around his apartment and lo and behold there they are!!  The missing condoms.  In the kitchen garbage in all their used glory, wrappers still close by.  I get out his tongs and scoop the nasty things out.  Oh whats this? A bonus tampon!!!   Obviously he thought enough about this HO to have sex with her while she was on her period.  I thought that was saved for special close couples.

I take a picture.  I know it sounds weird but I need a reminder so I don't ever get suckered back into this.  So I send the picture to his cell phone.  He has the nerve to text back that he has no clue how they got in there.  He says his keys have been missing for months.  I cannot believe my ears.  I assure him there is nothing to lose at this point and I can see the writing on the wall so the best thing to do would be to tell me the truth.  No.  Apparently I dont know about the condom bandits who sneak into your home and use your condoms but then have the decency to throw them away.

I feel so bad for him.  Somebody is infringing on his personal space.  And using his bed for shenanigans!!  He then texts me small talk text.  Like we had just discovered a recipe for dunkin donuts together.  You know changing the subject texts.   Like I have short term memory loss.  Yeah.  Call me Dory.

He is sticking with this sherade that he didn't use them.  He didnt throw them away.  He didnt hook up with a woman in mid cycle.  And the funny thing is, I think he actually beleives I AM BELIEVING he was a victim of a sex crime.  I will call it this since they broke into his apartment and you know.. HAD SEX.

If anybody steps forward and says this happened to them.. maybe I will believe him and give him another chance.  In the meantime he will be turning 40 in two days alone.  Well... unless the bandits come by for seconds!!


***for the record.. I share these things so that it will help me stay strong and maybe help another idiot out there who hooked up with a douche!!

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