My children came in my room tonite as I was sitting at my desk.. naked. They weren't invited in, they barged. As they usually do.
My little one told me to put a robe on.. that I was offensive. So I got up to grab my big chenile mom-like robe, when she shrieked in horror.
"MOM, when did your butt start looking like a grandma?" I was so stunned to hear this question, I mean, I thought she was actually shrieking at the sight of my robe. I instinctly shot the little brat a look that could be called dagger eyes.
Then I wanted to cry. My older daughter tried to say something to make me feel better. "It's just that your face and arms look so young".
Hmmmm... something about that remark didn't want to make me yell out THANK YOU.
I looked in the mirror at my naked butt, and didn't really know what they were talking about. I thought maybe the seat had left screw marks or something. I decided to get out the handheld mirror. And that's when I realized, I DON"T have the butt of the twenty something girl I used to be. I mean I knew deep down that I didn't, but to be honest I haven't looked at that view in a very very long time. Actually I think the last view of that area was my VHS tape of my 3rd child.
I threw on some shorts and ran downstairs, and turned on the Brazillian Butt lift infomercial. You know the one. It's on almost hourly. At any given time. I started to do the squats and lifts with the young models. My daughters came down. They started to do them wtih me. That's when I stopped. I realized that I was teaching them nothing about growing old gracefully by doing this.
I turned it off. I went into the kitchen, grabbed some oreos and milk, took it back into the living room, dug out my old Queen CD, cranked fat bottom girls and made a toast to the greatest cookie ever invented.
After they went to bed, I put on my best undies and laid down. Oh, that was AFTER I threw out the little mirror and put a sign on my door that said to ENTER at YOUR OWN RISK. Okay, and did butt crunches until I had a cramp in each cheek. I can still grow old gracefully if I leave out the cottage cheese.
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