At an explosive news conference today, Louis C.K.’s penis detailed decades of abuse at the hands of the disgraced comic, ranging from forced participation in C.K.’s many perversions to C.K.’s painful fascination with corduroy that lasted long after puberty.
Flanked by attorney Gloria Allred, the exhausted, slumped-over pecker said he wants to sever all ties with C.K. and hopes his public reputation will not be permanently associated with just lewdness.
“I first express how truly sorry I am to all of Louie’s victims. I hope they understand I was never a willing participant and was actually Louis’ first and longest lasting object of abuse,” it said. “Like his many female victims, he never treated me as anything but a piece of meat.”
The 50-year-old Mexican-American phallus then detailed nearly four decades of physical abuse. This included yanking; slapping; being spat on; grinding against blankies, accordion radiators, bannisters, and auto shop machinery; after-hour petting zoo encounters; golf course ball cleaners; simulated garroting with mariachi guitar strings; and being repeatedly stuffed inside condoms onto which the comedian would doodle ginger goatees and a balding hairline.
“Louie’s been abrasive toward me for a very long time. He’s a big fan of dry humping. A world-class frotteurist actually, especially on subways. I mean that freak has shined more subway-car poles than a transit worker.
“Even when unemployed, we’d ride the trains every rush hour. The sardine-packed crowds, the jostling, the hard stops. He was in heaven. He did get slapped a lot back then, which was when he first grew out his facial hair.
“That was before he hit it big with Pootie Tang and entered that whole hired Town Car phase. Then he’d polish off a full decanter of Crown Royal. And by polishing off I mean... well you get the gist. He really liked decanters with deeply etched dimples and grips.”
C.K.'s dingle dong confirmed the comedian masturbated often in front of women and in work offices. C.K. also regularly jerked turkey while talking on the phone with hundreds of women and Dane Cook.
“His Dane Cook fascination was total love-hate. Louie hated Cook's comedy, but loved Cook’s thick product-filled hair, devilish pout, and girlishly trimmed eyebrows. That whole poor-man’s Dax Shephard look is irresistible to him. He’d sit through even Cook’s longest, most self-indulgent club sets just to grind me against a table leg.”
The ghostly pale pecker added whenever he balked at participating, C.K. would drug him quicker than you can say “Bill Cosby.”
“Louie tried everything under the sun on me. Cialis, Levitra, Spanish fly, old Roseanne episodes with especially strong Laurie Metcalf storylines,” he said. “After a while, you start thinking you’re the dysfunctional one, but as his many brave victims stepped forward, I finally realized it was Louie who was the complete dick.”
Reaction to C.K.’s one-eye P.I. streamed in strong and fast, ranging from tender empathy to hostile denial. In the latter camp was Lester Pibb, a Southern kudzu farmer and self-described “long-time fan.”
“Come on. After 40 years, only now does that little prick come out claiming snowflake victim status?! And just 28 days before Alabama’s special election! Just another disgusting lie cooked up by that liberal-elite Washington Post,” Pibb roared.
When explained the new allegation came from C.K.’s atheist dick and not Roy Moore’s evangelical giggle pole, the kudzu farmer relaxed and returned to his normal shade of red.
“Oh, I misunderstood. Yeah, Louie C.K. is total scum like all those amoral hypocrites out East. I bet they all abuse their penises worse than my hunting dog before I got him good and fixed,” he said.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who was most surprised to learn that behind closed doors Louis C.K. is just a prop comic.