The morning after Donald Trump received positive coverage for the vaguest expression of regret, Trump attorney Michael D. Cohen quickly issued a combative clarification on what Trump really meant.
“The liberal jackal media hordes love twisting Mr. Trump’s words by taking them literally even when Mr. Trump admits much of what he says does not represent what he really means,” Cohen spat at a nodding Sean Hannity of Fox News.
“The media must explain why they never do this to Hillary,” he yelled, as Fox News’s special “Countdown Clock to Cohen Aneurysm” reached 13 hours, 20 minutes. “I mean, have good-ole American values eroded this much? This is why after Mr. Trump is president and makes America great again, he’s throwing every reporter into a barbaric Guantanamo detention cage.”
Cohen then said any individual wishing to personally accept Trump’s “so-called statement of regret” must first acknowledge:
- They have signed the non-disclosure agreement.
- Mr. Trump’s “regret” in no way represents an according-to-Hoyle apology or acknowledgement of any wrong doing or wrong thinking.
- Mr. Trump’s acknowledgement of maybe causing pain is not an admission of intent to cause pain and thus not financially compensable, including in Guam and Puerto Rico.
- Mr. Trump always intends good, and the imprecise movement of air past his tongue and lips does not fairly represent the purity of his intentions and feelings toward his fellow man (except Rosie O’Donnell, who is a total stupid loser)*.
- Mr. Trump has exceptionally large hands.
- Mr. Trump’s “regret” does not apply in cases when his words cause others to inflict pain, nor when his words indirectly foment racism, sexism, xenophobia, anti-Millennials-ism, nausea, elderly dementia, premature bladder release, an un-Olympic spirit among U.S. swimmers, mental torpor in his children, a nervous tic by Jeb Bush, or the global proliferation of nuclear weapons.
- Mr. Trump’s “regret” does not apply to anyone who caused him pain first, such as the Kahns. As everyone knows, Mr. Trump is just a counterpunching victim whose intense responses reflect deeply submerged pain inflicted when his parents cruelly shipped him to military school after his bullying of other children exceeded their grossly insufficient parenting skills.
- Did I already mention none of this applies to Rosie O’Donnell, who is still a fat pig total loser?
* Also does not apply to John McCain, Paul Ryan, Reince Priebus or Ted Cruz, even though Trump thinks they are all mostly good guys. But not really, if you want to know the truth.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who looks forward to President Trump shortening “Hail to the Chief” to just “All Hail.” The current lyrics are too hard for anyone to remember anyways.